03 March 2010

blogging & jealousy



Q: It seems obvious that blogging has brought a lot of good things into your life, but has it brought any challenges? I sometimes think the blogging world breeds jealousy among women? Have you had any issues like these?

A: wow. what a fantastic question. it came to me anonymously via formspring, but i thought this week's workshop was a good time to pull it onto the blog to answer it and gain your insights on the matter too.

yes, blogging is good. as if i haven't mentioned that enough. among other things, i appreciate the friendships made, the clients gained, the outlet of creativity, the exchange of good ideas, the communication with outsiders, and the inspiration from one and all. if i didn't love or believe in blogging i wouldn't pour myself into it as i do.

that being said, like anything, the good and bad go hand in hand. blogging is like taking a dog for a walk in the park. the sun is shining warm rays, you are happy to have a day off to play, your dog is jumping with joy, fetching his frisbee, all is well and dandy. everything about the experience is a delight. yet still the time must come when you have to carry his crap in a little baggie. it's not pleasant in the least. and you don't necessarily love that particular aspect of living with your four legged friend, however you deal with it and life goes on. like blogging, you deal with the crap so you can enjoy the good.

the crappy parts of blogging come in a number of forms; i will name a few. you are fearful about putting yourself out there. you feel greedy; you want what they have. you care too much of what others may think. you don't get any comments. you can't think up anything original to post about. you copy and paste everything onto your own blog. you are inspired by others but feel that you cannot possibly inspire others. you get sucked into everyone else's life. you are green with envy. you have unreal assumptions about bloggers. you start thinking everyone is more successful, talented, and all around better than you are. sound familiar??

if you start down this path, you'll begin to imagine that you are the only blogger who cannot cook, who cannot scrapbook, who cannot modge podge correctly, who cannot write hilarious memoirs, who cannot reupholster, who cannot be fashionable on a dime, who cannot be a fun mom, a darling wife or a super business woman all at once. and you can certainly not attempt to bake those tiny cupcake balls and dip them into little lollipops with sesame street character features that will be recognizable to your one year old at the party that you are throwing him that better be blogable, or else.

why do we do this? why do we become envious and want to become just like this person or that person. and most of them, people we've never even met in real life. we do not know that they are human. they may even have crooked teeth or large feet or a strange birthmark. we think they are, unlike ourselves, perfect in every way.

we should admire these people, but we must resist the urge of wanting to morph into them. for example, i can love miss bakerella and her genius one-of-a-kind idea of molding cake onto a stick and making it so cute you can hardly stand it. i can even applaud her creations with a standing ovation, without needing to be just like her. in an ideal world, we should appreciate what others do without comparing ourselves with them. we can be inspired. we can even attempt to do what another blogger does, but we do not have to hold ourselves up to the impossible standard that we conjure up in our heads. this breeds jealousy and self-doubt and horrible mood swings. i must admit, somedays i ball together all the bloggers i love and all the qualities i admire about them until i've created one giant super mommy monster blogger that looms over me. let me describe her to you.
she is currently traveling the states for her booktour. it just debuted on the new york times bestseller list, naturally. this is only the tip of the iceberg, people. she is on the cutting edge of fashion and music. she has an eye for design. she not only lunches with the rich and famous, but she is a darling mother and wife and cooks dinners from scratch every evening. she is down to earth and drop dead gorgeous. and talented too. she letterpressed her own wedding invitations. her dress was flown in from milan and she had her groom's name embroidered on the hem in tiffany blue to be her something blue. that night everyone went home with a smile and a hand-wrapped box of her famous mint truffles, which had their monograms on them. in coordinating calligraphy to match the menus.

her house is always clean and smells of pine-sol. she hunts consignment shops and flea markets for original vintage wares to fill her home. she found an antique birdcage and sprayed it gold just last week. oh and her baby wears all handsewn dresses. that were made of bamboo eco-friendly material that will never hurt the earth. and her baby has this name that is so graceful and classic, the sweetest name that no one has ever thought of before. and she uses cloth diapers too. she and her little one spend time learning about the world in their backyard butterfly aviary. her 18 month old can repeat the origins of each butterfly species, sing the alphabet, and control her cup so it never spills apple juice down her lacy peter pan collar. the family eats out of her vegetable garden and she bakes bread from organic bananas. she delivers it to neighbors, wrapped with organza silk ribbons, on birthdays.

she has tons of friends, hosts a girl's night every month and seems to be speaking at blogging conventions every season. she has never had an embarrassing moment, a bad hair day or a tacky prom dress. she is funny and sweet and thoughtful. she sends timely thank yous and answers every email in her inbox with flair. her ability to arrange flowers has been featured in magazines across the globe. annie leibovitz will be shooting her in the hamptons next summer. she has already bought (and blogged about) the strappy sandals she'll be wearing for it. she owns all the latest gadgets and has created her own app. she still has time to sing her babies to sleep and cuddle with her husband and keep the laundry folded round the clock. she never has any sort of breakdown about frivolous things like cranberry sauce or pitted black olives. she blogs freely without wasting time, whining about life, criticizing or copying others.

oh and she has a booming photography business on the side. did i mention that? she snaps shots of coordinating-clothed families on the train tracks and pregnant woman with their tanned bare bellies and newborns lying on overstuffed floral anthropologie chairs. speaking of anthropologie, she does the window displays for their santa barbara location. they fly her in on the weekends. afterwards she flies kites at the beach with disabled children and then sells the colorful kites on etsy.

a few weeks ago, she made cupcake pops for her husband's super bowl party. they looked like teeny tiny drew brees helmets. she is always thinking up the best ideas and would never serve something so menial as meatballs from a crockpot.

see, i too get carried away with blog envy! lately i've been dealing with it by reaching out and commenting more often on the blogs i love. even if they have 100+ comments already, i know that every comment counts, so i tell them how awesome i think their blog is, how great their story was or how i am inspired by their projects, etc. i try to be specific and leave a meaningful comment. we should give credit where credit is due and tell them we appreciate the fact that they are sharing a piece of themselves with us. this small tactic helps me stay grounded. if we let ourselves, we can be overwhelmed and overcome with so many fancy famed bloggers that do seemingly everything. talents we wish we had ourselves. why, i ask you, why does it always come back to ourselves? why can we not just be happy for others and leave ourselves out of it?! why are we so competitive?

if we stay true to ourselves, love ourselves, live a balanced life, we can cut the crap and simply enjoy what we do do. we can get real. see things as they are. we can gain joys from our own simple silly lives. no matter how unpicture-perfect they may seem. just do the best you can. be the olympian of your own life. from one imperfect blogger to the next, i beg of you please be happy with who you are, what you have to offer. and blog about that. my lengthy message today boils down to my motto in life. six little words.

u be u. i'll be me.

want to save this post as a resource? a printable version is available in my ebook, The Blogging & Business Workbook. You'll also find expertise from popular bloggers, dozens of great tips on blogging and articles on setting up your own online business.

252 comments:

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Amylucimar said...

hold me back Marta! i will punch her (super blogger monster woman) if i have to. or maybe this is more of a roundhouse to the face situation. lol. as i type this my fledgling blog is on hiatus. by computer broke and i have been playing catch up on emails and blogs i sub to for the past few days before i start posting again.

anyway, i count all my bloggy, tweety, youtube-y contacts as blessings and soldiers in my crafty Army. if you are with me, doing the same as me, discovering something beautiful in you and sharing with me, then i am better off, right?

but still, i appreciate this post so much. thank you.

next time she creeps up on ANY of you all let them know that i will smack her in her face if she messes with you!

lol.

xoxo

@ScrappinA

Anonymous said...

Agh, I have this feeling ALL the time! It seems like other blogger's lives are perfect, and even when things go wrong, they're handled with grace and style and beautiful words and pictures.

Thanks SO much for this post. You have no idea how empowering and liberating it is to hear this!

Daydream Lily said...

this post is wonderful, I've only just come across your blog through alt summit links and Im aready finding myself reading back throuh your posts. such food for thought!!

thank you.

And Kathleen said...

Well, friend - you already have over 200 comments but to honor this post I have to add my thoughts. As a blogger I worry that I'm perpetuating this image of perfection by only posting positive things. By keeping my blog as a sacred space dedicated to all things inspiring and elevating the mundane.

I think meeting real bloggers - like you - at Alt was so important. It helped me put faces to names and voices to words. Being around so many supportive women that just want everyone else to succeed is what this blogging community is about. I could go on...

xo!
Kathleen

Colleen / Inspired to Share said...

And now I'm leaving comment #204 because like you said every comment counts...thanks so much for your thoughts here. I think it resonates with most, if not all, style bloggers. I love your quote, "be the olympian in your own life" !!

Lauren @ ELD said...

WOW, thank you so much. I will most definitely be coming back to this to reread probably every day. Sticking to what I know is something that I know I should be doing, but I so very often get caught up in what others are doing and end up questioning what I do. Thank you thank you thank you! :)

ali z said...

You already have 100+ comments but I want to tell you how awesome you are! This was a wonderful post. Thank you for being so honest and sharing.

Kelly said...

thanks for speaking from the heart. Amazing response! I love your site. It reminds me of Desiderata http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desiderata and the part that reads "If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Inge said...

This was a great read. I'm so glad DaydreamLily shared this via Twitter. I didn't know about your blog, but I see there's a whole lot of inspiring things for me to read. Thank you!

jane said...

and marta,

this is what i love about you and your blog. your honesty, and your genuineness.

this post is perfect and just what i needed to read.

thank you. :)

Mary said...

Fantastic post. Your description totally matched all the amazing blog authors I read every week. Amazing! Thanks for the reminder - we can all use it from time to time.

Ariel said...

Thank you! that is all I have to say is thank you!

Caroline said...

THANK YOU! This post is exactly what I needed to hear today. I came across this post and your blog thanks to Melanie at you are my fave. We all struggle with this and it seems to be swept under the rug most times. Thank you for talking about it in such an honest way.
My blog is relatively new (around 6 months) and I frequently get down about how many hits or comments I get (or don't get) and I become my own worst enemy. I worry that I don't have enough original content but get stuck when trying to think of things to craft, photograph, etc. I feel like I am a much better reader of blogs than blogger and because I am still so small, I feel these things more often than I should.
Thank you for making me feel normal and shedding some light on this issue. I really appreciate it! Just bookmarked this post.
By the way, I am loving your blog! I'll be back soon =]

London Ray said...

omg. i just read this and am in shock with how awesome it was. i cannot put it into words how great this was and how it made me feel 100x better. thank you, thank you, thank you! i am going to save it and read it over whenever i feel like a crazy, jealous blogger...even when i am just a bummed out normal gal comparing myself to all the other people around me.
xo
london
www.youngdumblove.com

connie said...

Love this post. Reading it made me realize that's exactly what I'm aiming for and exactly how ridiculous it is! Your message and writing is truly amazing!

Ez said...

Absolutely one of my favorite blog posts I've ever read Marta! Fantastic and so very true! Thank you for taking this topic head-on and adding more than a sprinkle of humor to make it all the more refreshing! xo Ez

Meridith said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only one! Between deciding what is or isn't bloggable or how many pictures I should take, to finding inspirations outside of the blogging world it gets a little tough. Thank you for writing this post and showing us it isn't "just me".

Tanja @ Postmodern Hostess said...

I love this post, and was so glad to find your blog! Really thoughtful stuff, and so, so very true.

Your description of the perfect blogger is hilarious, like the yarn about Chuck Norris and the "I'm on a horse" Old Spice commercial wrapped into one, but in female form.

As a four to five comments per post blogger, I'm envious of your hundreds. :-) But you obviously deserve it! Kudos!

hill said...

there is so much truth in what you have said! thank you for posting about this. far too many of us get caught up in this unhealthy view of others' lives. i've started a weekly project about just this. i hope and think and pray that this is going to move hearts in blogland. hope you will join in sometime: http://capturingmotherhood.blogspot.com/p/picture-me-imperfectly.html

martha ann said...

Thank you Marta. Well written description of Super Woman! She haunts us all and she doesn't even exist. Silly Girls....I found this post through You Are My Fave. Now I will find you through my book marks! Happy Day to you.
Martha Ann

thefirstlady said...

Wow! It was like you were reading my mind. Thanks for posting this.

jeana said...

This was a wonderful read, and something I've been praying about. Thank you for your thoughtful words on this. I'm new to your blog, can't wait to check it out!

Misty said...

Just found your blog thanks to Design Mom and saw the link to this post. A simple thank you seems insufficient. You made me laugh with you and at myself for thinking that I was the only one feeling like I had zero skills compared to other bloggers. Great, great post and I love your writing. Count me in as a new subscriber. U be U, I'll be me!

allison said...

I just re-read this post, and I love it more today than I did the first time I read it. I have constant blog jealousy. Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone.

Grandma Cebe said...

I have to say your mother sent me over from her blog. She says to tell you she misses you.

You have the same writing gift as your mom does. I enjoyed this post.

Heather said...

I can relate to this type of envy! Thank you for writing this, I feel much better and I will try to reign these thoughts in when I see them getting out of control like this! Great blog post!

M Crew said...

Fantastic. Thank you. :)

Anonymous said...

Just what I needed to read today. Thank you for continually inspiring the blogging world on many levels. I appreciate and admire your authentic voice more than you know. Happy Sunday to you Marta!

Rooted in Atascocita said...

You are an awesome writer and blogger. This was great and what I needed to read! Thank you for that...

Emily said...

I'm reading this from stephmodo's blog more than a year later, but of course it holds true still. Every time I post my (husband's) cell phone pictures (because I don't even HAVE a camera or smartphone) I feel somehow less. My pictures are my downfall--I covet other peoples amazing skills and cameras. I don't so much care if I'm posting from my horrible apartment with brown 70s carpet--I just want a nice, clear picture of it. :) Thanks for the perspective.

Tara said...

I was sent here by Stephmodo... and thank you! This is amazing! I am not a blogger yet have envisioned that monster blogger mom your describe and it's so nice to hear we are ALL not the only ones....

Lynda said...

Thank you, thank you. This one is definitely a keeper for me!

Unknown said...

Hilarious. You really nailed Ms. Perfection. Thanks for the laugh.

lauren said...

Thank you for your post. This has inspired me to comment and participate rather than stalk :).
I also feel more confident in writing about my own life. Not exactly picture perfect- but it's still mine.

CECELIA said...

bravo miss. it couldn't have been put any more perfectly...and my eyes even welled up a bit. very empowering.

Martha said...

that was freaking hilarious. especially that part about flying kites with disabled kids then selling them on etsy. oh. man. i don't want to be her.

thanks!

Jennifer said...

I was laughing so hard at your description of super blogger. Thank you for the smiles this morning. This post was right on.

Unknown said...

oh marta! I can't believe this little nugget has been sitting here, & i've not seen it! this post just reiterates how much I truly love coming to this space, your corner of the internet, to be inspired in so many directions. you are SO good at being you, and you're helping me to not only be a good me, but to like me more. :)

Unknown said...

I cannot believe that this little nugget has been sitting here for so long & i've not seen it! this just reiterates that i love coming to this space, your corner of the internet, to be inspired in so many different directions.

you are so good at being you & you help me to not only be a good me, but to like me, too. ;)

Miranda said...

This made me laugh out loud and brought spontaneous tears to my eyes. It's just so true. Thank you for putting it into the perfect words.

Kristin said...

Wow. Your Mommmy Blogging Monster is kind of the best thing I've ever read. I actually laughed out loud (alone in my office cubicle...) when I got to the photographer part. So true! Thank you for this story. I will read it every so often to make me smile.

Jessie said...

marta, i'm new to your blog...and i absolutely LOVE it. this post especially. what a great reminder!

Sulthana said...

That was a fantastic and funny read, especially the super mommy monster blogger part. And the ending is beautiful :)

Jessica said...

Hi Marta,
I recently happened upon your blog and I have been skimming around and I am loving it! Thanks for taking the time.

Thanks also for this great post. A real inspiration to me. I am often torn with what to write for a lot of the reasons you mentioned above. I am feeling encouraged and inspired.
Very well put! Thanks!

PS - I am also expecting my second child in July!

Melynn said...

Good post Marta. You are a very talented person!! Are you writing a book right now? I just wondered if I should be watching for you on the best sellers list.

Meghan said...

My goodness, Marta. You have a wonderful gift, being so real with your readers. Today I was searching for ways to find my voice and be me, authentic. It's scary and I don't feel like my readers know me yet. After 'hearing' your advice I can say I'm a little excited by it now!
Thank you!

Unknown said...

Yup. Perfect.

Meg said...

I read this post back in 2010 when you originally wrote it - I can't remember if I commented then - but I just reread it today and am inspired all over again. You have a gift for writing how you feel in a way that is so relatable. I struggle with this too! I keep trying to "find" myself as a blogger, which is silly, because what I really want is to just be myself! Thanks for this inspired post and for the encouragement and motivation to just be me :)

Mamanat said...

Awesome blog... just stumbled upon you today and I'm inspired to continue being me. I've wanted to be smarter and all the good things that come with blogging, but I'm just gonna go ahead and just be me.

christine, just bella said...

I know this is an oldie, but oh man, it's a goodie. Your description of the perfect blogger had me rolling on the ground. Ohmygosh, it's ridiculous. It's so important to realize we're all normal people with bad days, messy rooms, and real lives.

Thank you for this. So well said :)

Gina said...

Thanks for making me laugh, and reassuring me that I'm not the only one who faces a mommy monster nemesis :) I found your blog through Pinterest--it's beautiful!

joyful.mara said...

Even though you have 252 comments on this post, I absolutely have to be #253 and tell you how much I love your blog and this reminder of how carried away we can get trying to be as successful and perfect as our favorites. Super Mommy Monster Blogger looms over me too with her self-coded website updated with the season's hottest color and her hand painted cookware line that just got picked up by west elm. Ugh...why does she torture us so!?!?!? Either way, I would much rather read what you have to say. Thanks for all the inspiration!

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