A feeding frenzy

I am getting the hang of this posting again and (knock on wood) liking it. Even if no one bothers to come read, it's a safe landing spot which is exactly what I need. Instagram feels too showy for my quiet heart these days and is becoming less and less about connection as it is about commercialism. Sure, I love a good dose of advertising, clever wording, neat tips and favorite new finds. The commercial-filled stories and affiliated links have become overwhelming. I've taken time off and weeded out a lot of the extras and honed in on the "influencers" I actually want influencing me. It really did run away with me the past few years. I spent so much time on Instagram and have nothing to show for it.

The other night after a big family dinner at The Porcupine, Heidi and I chatted about our love / hate relationship for Instagram and how we are attempting to break our addictions to the constant checking habit by removing the app from our phones. We were laughing at the absurdity of us scrolling down the rabbit holes; hunting and searching for more and more and more - often linking from one gram to another in hurried fashion. She responded, But what is it that we are searching for? Nothing really ever quenches it. It's so true. Nothing actually fills that strange gaping sensation.

Of course I am not saying it's all bad. I love the up close peek into how others live, the similarities and differences between us, and the quick connection to other creatively minded individuals. I've found so many fantastic people to follow who inspire me by the way they live. Sean McCabe is an interesting fellow who is a low key, motivational speaker type. (The opposite of a Gary Vee type. P.S. Gary recently predicted that Instagram will become the new MySpace and will eventually go away. I was kind of happy when I heard him going off on the topic.) Sean has created a few cool writing courses. I find his IG stories and posts pretty helpful and motivating. He listed stats awhile back, noting the differences between CONSUMERS vs. CREATORS. Sean related this to not stressing about competition in your creative field since there are so many more consumers out there, waiting and ready to consume what you are creating.

This struck me. Ever since I logged onto the shiny new Instagram app, I've (sadly) become much more of a consumer than a creator. I didn't allow the connectivity to motivate me nor have I used it as a tool in my creative process or drive - of course it has done wonders for the influencers out there. There is huge potential. It is what you make of it. I thought back to the time when I was creating on the daily and how happy I felt blogging and writing every day. Even with the non-existent wage I made blogging all of those years, I still felt productive and satisfied within that sphere. I created friends that are still lifelong, ride or die friends through our blogs. The community that you can find online is pretty awesome, if you choose them well. My whiplash of realizing all the consuming I've been doing; other people's ideas, products, ideology, methods, routines, families, comparisons and more definitely made me take a step back.

I began thinking and asking myself questions. Some, I have decent answers to, others I shrug my shoulders at. Why are we sharing so much on social media? What is the point? How is it helping? How is the consuming aspect of this getting me to where I want to go? What do I want in life and how am I going to get it? Is Instagram helping or hindering my efforts? Do I feel motivated or depleted after checking in? Am I building friendships? Am I feeling bitter towards others? Am I understanding my purpose more clearly? Do I waste time? Can I scroll without comparing? Can I become a better creator than a simple user? Is this the arena I willingly want to be involved in? Can I use it as a tool to better myself? I love certain aspects of it. It's a little bit like a pretty magazine which I've picked the feature articles for. Still, opening my eyes widely to why I consume more than create was the first step in getting un-addicted to Instagram. After a long break, thankfully, it no longer feeds me when I'm hungering for something.

I've been almost unknowingly shoveling in all that my Instagram feed was feeding me without feeding myself first. If Instagram were a trough, I have definitely played the pig. The shine has worn off and I am proceeding with caution.

Switching gears and changing lanes

On the last day of the year in 2018, I received an incredibly helpful piece of advice at a New Year's Eve party. It came by way of chatting with a real writer, a friendly woman named Ruth, who I had met just hours earlier. She recently found out her novel is going to be published! Wow. I felt so happy for her. Truly! What a huge feat. That's the coolest. I grilled her with writer-y questions and (gasp) confided that I too like to write. (Hmmm. Inner monologue eye roll. You may as well be telling her you are a tennis player. Haven't picked up a racket nor a pen in forever. No, more like, foreeeeevvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeerrrrrrr.) In our chatting I became enthused that I could / should practice writing again. Yet another nudge for me to write stuff down. Well-meaning, dear friends have been telling me to do so for a few months now. I've brushed them off. Funny when a perfect stranger's advice can waken your senses more than your own mother's (husbands, best friends, siblings, etc). Or more like, a perfect stranger gives you advice in a similar vein to what your own mother has been saying all along, and you perk up and take it for what its worth. Humans are funny creatures. (Other lessons: Listen to your mother. Moms can never win. Also, moms never get the credit. Moms are the best. Moms always know.)

Still at this very low point of my writing career (ha. career. as if.), I still think about writing. Almost daily. More than I ever think about playing tennis. Doesn't that count for something? Like a nagging younger sibling, wearing a ball cap backwards and an unhitched strap on her overalls, my wannabe-written-words want attention. In recent years I've programmed myself to ignore the urge to write anything down. Nap. Dishes. Scroll Instagram. Bathe. Read. Podcast. Laundry. Mrs. Maisel. Seinfeld. Meghan Markle news. Bake. Organize a cupboard or two. Rearrange furniture. Of course none of these activities are as satisfying as having written. Like scanning the channels even when there is nothing good on. Its a numbing way of distraction. Distraction of actually caring to put real thought into something. I've sometimes thought, as the writers-guilt gnaws away at me - usually while I try to fall asleep - it's an odd habit to try to will away something you actually want to do. My inner monologue rolls its eyes as I have these cliche writer chit chats to myself. Writers angst; as if this were a real problem in life. I can go on and on. And I have. (Did I do too many research projects on Vincent van Gogh as a teen? Am I this narcissistic / dramatic by nature or nurture?) A brilliant sparkly essay idea comes to me in the morning and I'll have talked myself into, and finally, out of writing it by lunchtime. It's a slow kind of torture we Creatives know well. I'm using that term loosely. (At least I remember how to spell loose vs. lose. Pet peeve.)

To continue lamenting, I've now curated an automatic response of pushing ideas far far down; the corners of a duvet into their cover. Last summer I searched high and low for the best duvet and coordinating duvet cover that had strings and loops which I could then tie up those corners into their places for safekeeping. No wiggling out of place. Stay put. A sure promise that at least one thing in my life was in control. Double knotted duvet. Stay in your lane. Dan was excited to learn this phrase the other day. I smiled to myself as he mentioned it (because I relish in the times when I know things before he does - it's a rare treat) and agreed. Yes, 'stay in your lane' is an extra handy phrase to keep in one's back pocket. Whether it be an athlete tweeting a response to the current President of the United States or a harmless jab in a bit of banter, it is a clever little comeback. (Or maybe a sassy judgement call that I have no business offering.)

One, I realize, am often telling myself in one way or another. Cornering myself into my current situation with a tight knot - no hope of slipping to freedom of maybe, possibly, trying out another 'lane' in life. Staying in your lane comes with benefits, I suppose. Comfort Zones feel so good. I've molded to my lane and my lane has molded to me. Stick to what you know, what you're doing, what your habits are. Stick right here. Remain status quo. Just keep doing what you're doing. No progress, no problem. No rocking the boat. Stay in your lane. Mind your own business. Don't try to think outside the box or push yourself in any way, shape or form. Progress, evolution, improvement... it is for other people.

This has been what I've been telling myself unconsciously. To be honest, my lane isn't doing anything for me anymore. Like the worn out bra that has lost its elasticity and therefore, all its function. The bra that has faded into a useless morning ritual rather than a helpful undergarment. It's time for change. I've been feeling it in my bones and all signs have been nudging me to go ahead and get out of this lane. So when I was chatting with this warmly open Ruth, over plastic cups of rice pudding on New Year's Eve, it resonated again. Another nudge.

Write your second book first.

Wait, tell me again. I heard her the first time. I just liked every word she just said so much. She had just opened my pandora's box. The advice had been discussed during a session of her monthly Writing Club. Yes, yes, of course. Making perfect sense in my mind; the first book has all the weight and pressures to succeed. All your life's courage poured into the pages of that first book. It can't possibly measure up to what you've deemed a first book should / could be. The wish to write and fear of doing so has bullied me into a tight corner. Not writing is easier than writing. Completely frustrating for someone who needs to write - yes, but easier than switching lanes, creating new habits, being courageous, switching gears, stomping out fear, and practicing rough drafts. And getting up early to make time for the thing you want to do most. I'm tucking this rough draft into my blog and promise to wake up early and write again. And again. And again. Until I'm in a new lane I hardly recognize. 2019, I'm counting on you.

introspection no. 05

am feeling high as a kite these days as two big wedding invitations (that i designed!) are in the mail and being sent out into the world. i always tell dan, the design process isn't over until the fat lady sings i see the finished product (without any errors) in my hands!

the designs i've been involved in lately have revved my excitement to revamp my website, photograph my designs better and get rolling on re-working and refining my graphic design business. i want to offer more readily available invitations of all kinds. i'm especially thrilled about my first invitation design printed via letterpress by my dear friend miranda! i have yet to feel those puppies in my hands, but from her instagram shots, they are lookin' lovely. yay for awesome collaboration efforts.

i get impatient when ideas are a-brewing and i have nothing to show for them. but–like the babe growing in the belly–i must remind myself, all good things take time.

introspection no. 04

not that i write for applause, but feedback is nice. and your feedback yesterday was brilliant. thank you. i have to be honest with you. even though i've been at this whole pouring out my soul onto the internet for a long time now, i always play this little mind game when i write a personal, reflective post like yesterday's. the words come tumbling out of me and, once it's all out there, i tell myself not to post it. i give myself the same lecture about not divulging too much personal stuff, to stop boring my readers. (i tell myself, tutorials are where it's at! buck up and give the reader something they can make / bake / create.) i feel sheepish and wonder if anyone will get what i'm writing about. but then the adrenaline hits and i just go ahead and schedule it to post (while i'm sleeping). and i force myself to stop thinking about it and get over myself. (admittedly, in my head, i use the same voice carrie fisher used in when harry met sally when she meets her future husband on a double date and she goes, get oooover yourself! it's the best. that duo is almost as good as harry and sally. agreed?!)

with time, i've come to know that the posts that i'm most scared of are, in fact, the words that resound most with readers; or so it seems. thank you for coming out of your shells and commenting such thoughtful things. thank you for affirming that what i say meant something to you. it is so encouraging to me. now, i urge you. the scary stuff is the good stuff. keep writing the scary stuff. apparently, that's where it's at. what are your thoughts?! do you get personal on your blog? (do you give yourself mini lectures?! no? just me?)

claire commented with a compliment i will treasure; maybe because it is how i genuinely hope to be. she said, You write what you know you should write. And that's why i keep coming back: you are real. 

archives // more wordy posts i almost didn't publish.
+ leaves in a library book...
+ in this moment
+ motherhood. am still learning.
+ blogging & jealousy
+ feeling a brand new feeling
+ when life gives you snow, make cocoa
+ my resolutions in a nutshell
+ unnamed
+ write now

p.s. need another cute throw pillow!? tune in today to see another happy etsy find.

introspection no. 03

dedicated to this week's new obsession.

but really, i'm pressing pause on pinning for a second. i have a life to lead. this weekend we're taking benj on an adventure (ski day!), i have to teach the lesson at church on sunday (eek!), i must re-stock this fridge, and i'm gearing up for our virtual book club. see you monday! 

do you have any exciting plans?

introspection no. 02

it is often the case that my best work is done by the light of the moon.
my imagination is a night owl. how about yours? when does your creativity spark?

introspection no. 01

introducing introspection / a collection of thoughts.

no. 01 this one came to me when emailing a new-to-blogging blogger who had a hard time knowing that she could indeed still add something valuable to the overwhelming creative online world. i definitely understand the feeling of it's already been done before. it is our weaknesses winning the battle. we must fight for creativity. especially our own. where do you find inspiration?