05 April 2010

when life gives you snow, you make hot cocoa.

i drove to yoga tonight in the snow. falling fluffy flurries from the night sky as though it were november and christmas was right around the corner. this crazy idaho weather is on my last nerve. even the awesome fat flakes (the kind you can actually see the intricate detail) dancing on my windshield gave me no grin. my patience is wearing thin you see; my sandals and bermuda shorts are just waiting.

you can just imagine me in my big puffer down coat (which i'd almost prematurely packed away) with skinny little leggings under big wooly socks and dansko clogs, trudging off to yoga class. like a top heavy chicken. even after shedding my coat and doing my down dogs and planks and trees (my favorite) i felt like a silly fish outta water. i haven't been to yoga in years, or so it feels. i am weak and it shows. am sure everyone was staring and pointing and discussing my inadequacies the moment i left.

i drove home. still snowing. i rolled my eyes. i let the weather put me in a bad mood. (should kids really have to live with wearing parkas while trick-or-treating and easter egg hunting? will we all be bundled up for flying kites on memorial day?! can this possibly be fair?) blasting country music made me feel a bit better. at least i crossed it off my list. yoga, that is. sometimes exercise feels like that. and then i smiled to myself because i listen to the country radio station and wear big wooly socks over yoga leggings (with flat hair) out in public. and i think lipgloss is gonna help. where did my preconceived glamorous life go? would i be happier with the freezing temps if i lived in, say the upper east side?! no, i highly doubt it. you bloom where you're planted, you find the best of what you have. you make lemonade. what's wrong with me, i wonder. why am i in this momentary rut? why didn't going to yoga totally cheer me up? why can't i see the beauty in a snowflake?! i suddenly get all drama queen in my mind. as we writers tend to do.

i come through the door and lazily hurl my yoga mat on the floor and stand there sulking. dan gives me a big hug. he always knows. then without even asking, he starts warming milk for a mug of chocolate. and i fall into the couch. the couch that i had to get because i loved it and it was a great deal and it's an adorable staple that will last forever. that couch. that's when i look around and i realize all that's in my life. and most importantly, the who in my life.

the truth is, if i'm honest with myself for more than two seconds, i remember i have nothing to be in a rut about. i love my life. i really do. i am spoiled in life. i am richly blessed. i have good things and good family and good friends. even the muddy shoes stacked up by the door lets me know that loved ones are about, life is for living, shoes are for wearing. even dan's ski boots that were never put away makes me thankful that he is such an adventurer. i love that he loves the snow and is so looking forward to his last day on the lifts come saturday. and i think about benji putting his feet into those buckled black caves tomorrow and attempting to walk with them on. i wonder when he'll be big enough to be fitted with his own ski boots. how awesome it will be to watch him and his daddy ski together side by side. and in this moment i promise myself that i will be present for the moments that are so big, yet still, so small.

i want to be involved and in love with my children all the days of their lives. i worry that i'll get caught up in making them practice piano or do math homework that i won't sit down on the bar stools and play checkers with them, for the hundredth time. (i hope i'll make time to remember 2010 when i dreamed of having bar stools. and kids upon them. tipping them over and scooting them to reach the cookie jar, getting finger paint on them and other such mischief. i hope i feel lucky that yet another wish of mine came true, all in due time.) somedays i get caught up in the worrying about the nonsense of the future. when really, my time is right now. to make the most of right now means to appreciate a warm house, a warm bed, a healthy family, good careers, and a life that is better than a storybook. i have to remind myself that it's okay not to know what the outcome will be, that we are each leading our own adventure in this life. we get to choose each step of the way; we decide what path we're on and how we will react to every situation. we get to choose to bloom, if we are brave enough. which makes it like our very own choose your own adventure series. (i used to check those books out at the library in elementary school and skip around the chapters, feeling like i was giving the author a run for his money.)

i love having a husband who loves me in my chicken legs and puffy coat. i love that my tiny one is all tucked in tonight with fuzzy footed jammies and his floppy dog nudged 'tween the crib slats. i love that i can curl up at the computer and design some good things for good people and blog to my heart's content in this space. and jot it all down as it comes.

and i love that none of you were at my yoga class tonight.

38 comments:

Hil said...

I am SO bummed by this weather. I hear ya. Just a fair warning... It has snowed on my birthday for the last 3 years... in MAY.

Totally wish I could come to yoga with you. That way everyone in the class would be too busy laughing and talking about me instead of you. Thank goodness the only one who sees me do yoga is Little Guy and Lindsay Brin in my DVD player. :)

Rambles with Reese said...

I love this post.

While reading this, I felt the rut you were in and then the gradual lifting of your spirit.

You described a typical day in most people's lives....I'm sure, including mine. And you are right on the ball! It is about who is in our lives that make our lives a joy to live and that makes our lives meaningful.

Ocean Lotus said...

if it makes you feel any better even those of us who live in florida have been annoyed by the rather longish winter we have had - granted it does not involve snow but still cold to our standards...but today the morning sun is shining, my wisteria is finally blooming and the spring is springing...
very cute post - my favorite line is the last one...
may your spring spring soon

Christie said...

In a rut of my own, so I especially appreciated this post, sista friend. Thanks for sharing your gift of writing with the rest of us.

{natalie} said...

you are awesome, i love your writing. thanks for being so open.

ashley maureen said...

marta, you are so good. to add another thing to your list, (as if you didn't already know) you have such a way with words. i love how you string them together with such poetic ease.

and i can't help but recognize the irony- here in the east we're breaking records and approaching 90 degrees. there's talk of a/c in this house, but i don't think i can fathom that quite yet...

Monika said...

Reading your words always reminds me to love my life even more, too. You do know that you have a gift, right?

As for country music, we love George Strait. My husband liiiiiiiikes him so much, that I joke with him and say that if he could have George's babies, he would. He just smiles...he loves me despite my goofiness. And I think the new guy Easton Corbin (not sure this is spelled right) sounds very much like George!

It will be beautiful and sunny here in the Smoky Mountains of East Tennessee. I wish I could send you some. The wildflowers are beginning to bloom and the redbuds have budded. The dogwoods are next! Yippee!

Jeanette said...

Really lovely post. I'm going to send it to my daughter who is in law school and stressing about her choices for the future. I was going to say enjoy the weather because it's your price for a beautiful summer - just like the summer here in Phoenix is the price I pay for this beautiful spring we're having (but I will still complain in July so I get it). BUT the thing I can't stop thinking about, the thing you wrote that will stay with me all day is "and i think lipgloss is gonna help." THAT IS HILARIOUS!!!

summer said...

stunning post, m.
i love these diary entries! when the thoughts at the heart of your mind come flowing into neat paragraphs (truly, you have a way with composing perfect paragraphs.. i long for this skill) and i am unfailingly charmed, cheered, and entertained. also, i am sparked. to seize the day and take joy in everything. thank you!

off to join the club and get myself a mug of cocoa. cheers!

Gabi said...

Glad you perked up. Seriously, how can anybody be expected to transition gracefully from poolside to snowplow? Snow in April is wrong.

Emmie reads Choose Your Own Adventure stories every night. Hope she'll grow up and live a great life! Like you.

Miranda said...

I love this post Marta! That crazy Idaho weather is notorious for getting even the most optimistic people down. In college I once stayed in bed for an entire day because I decided the snow was completely inappropriate. I was in the middle of pulling myself out of my own rut yesterday, glad to hear it happens to all of us. :)

Diane said...

You will be a wonderful mother, always loving being involved with your family. You already are, and that will continue to grow, not go away. Just keep it as your focus.

I know how you feel about the yoga class - I'm glad I don't know anyone in my Pilates class!

ash said...

thanks, marta, for sharing your "temporary rut." i needed to hear that, because my husband left for basic training yesterday, and he'll be gone for 2 months. i am so grateful that he is in my life, and having him gone makes me love him even more. i also can see where i take him for granted. i do have a beautiful little one year old to keep me company though.

Relief Society said...

Same thing down here in happy valley. And I do wish I'd been at your yoga class last night--it'd be nice to know there was someone else who was struggle to make their body work.
Wishing you spring thoughts and weather sooner than later.

KJ said...

if it makes you feel any better, we haven't had to wear coats trick-or-treating yet. and if it makes you feel better, I already had packed away our snow gear. And if it makes you feel better, I wish I could go to a yoga class, or any gym class, chicken legs & parka or no! And last week it snowed in SLC, and again yesterday. Nowhere is perfect but here's to some more hot cocoa and a last ditch sledding run with little boys.

Sarah said...

I wish I was at your yoga class. I miss having a reasonably priced class around.
I think I am being punished with snow because I got my summer clothes out of storage. Mother nature thought it was funny. (And I usually like snow, but that warm weather was so fun!)

Travelin'Oma said...

You write so personally with such unique details, and yet you're writing about a day everyone has experienced. Your writing is awesome. (So are you.)

Hannah said...

These dear diary posts are my favorite. Please keep them coming. You are a supurb writer.

When I see that many words on blog posts, I usually skip over them. But when I see them on your blog, I am thrilled. I love you writing. Really, truly. You are so real.

Hannah said...

And...I agree that this snow is oh-so depressing.

Idaho holds onto winter way too long.

Mama Bird said...

and I love your writing...and your honesty...and your willingness to share it with all of us (even strangers like me, or as I prefer to think of it, imaginary friends). Thank you for this post, made me feel less alone in some of my own thoughts.

Sassy Sarah said...

I lived in Idaho for 5 years during college... I can DEFINITELy sympathize with the weather causing a change in an otherwise positive attitude.

I think, at times, we all let our hopes, dreams, fears, and worries overtake us rather than enjoying the NOW time we have. Thanks for this reminder that we all need to take a deep breath and look around us at all of the goodness that is there. :)

kmh said...

ah, your mom and sister left such nice comments!

this post was great marta. i am actually happy you were in a rut, look what came about from it! love that you blog so well too. and you have such talent to back it all up. my favorite paragraph, one that i will read and re-read all day, starts, "i want to be involved and in love with my children all the days of their lives." i have found myself being the mom who is caught up in making them practice piano and math homework. i have such good kids and i need to appreciate them more. much more.

thanks for the teary eyes and a gentle reminder.

caitlin said...

Well Marta, you do paint a picture with your words, don't you? Chicken legs? Too funny.

I get in funks too, and I have to give myself gentle reminders of just how much I have. Just like you did. Thanks for this post!

melissa deakin said...

wow.
you never cease to amaze me.
your writing is just brilliant.
you captured emotions and struggles that i feel sometimes daily.
we are so richly blessed and have so much to be grateful for.
it is easy to take it for granted, but writing like this reminds me to step back, reflect, and show gratitude.
i haven't been around in a while as i made the transition to my new Mac computer!!! yippee!
i hope you are well.
and i loved the memory of the 'choose your own adventure' books; i adored them!

Dansie Family said...

i wish i took the time more often to enjoy the simple things of life and my kids. i'm the mom making sure the violin and piano are practiced, the homework is done, the rooms are tidied, and forget to just sit and enjoy them. that was a resolution i had this year, thanks for the reminder.

Ash said...

I love this post, Marta. I read it as we drove through the blizzard from Salt Lake to Logan, and it kept my anxious mind from watching the road (my husband was driving) and having a nervous breakdown. So, thanks for posting this--it helped in a small way to get me home without an anxiety attack. You are great!

LLK said...

Oh Marta, we must suffer from the same "Planning for the future and also worrying about living in the present" disease...I don't even have children yet but I worry that I'm not appreciating enough the time with my husband before the time to have lil ones comes...aka being grateful what I have now instead of wishing for what I want in the future disease :)

Once again, you so perfectly express the thoughts/fears/frustrations/joys of many of us.

talesofahummingbird said...

well said, and for the record....that's part of the reason why i love yoga. no glamour required. just you and your self and your 'stuff' and your own breath and your own experience. and even though initially you feel like everyone is watching, once you've done it enough you realize that at yoga - no one is watching. because they are all dealing with their 'stuff' and their breath and their experience inside their own heads. its a beautiful thing. thanks for writing this down. i like that you write your thoughts down - in your head and out your fingertips onto the keyboard. :)

Nicole said...

Hi Marta, I've been following your blog for a few days now and just love it! It's so nice to know that I'm not the only one who has to remind myself just how lucky I am. I was just having these exact same feelings this morning, I really didn't want to go to work, it was pouring down rain and I just wanted to climb back in my warm bed, just about brought me to tears and then I was angry. Why can't I live somewhere warm and have a job I look forward to getting up for? I started praying and reminding myself of all the beautiful things I'm blessed with, two happy healthy little girls and a husband that loves me more than I thought possible. Life really is quite good.
Take care and Gob bless
Thank you for this post!

Elise said...

The Dragonfly sent me over to see you, and I'm so glad she did. I think you take beautiful pictures. I was suprized to see that you are a fellow Idahoan, yes I am sick of the snow and the WIND ugh! I have proof that our kids do go on Easter egg hunts with their snow gear on. The poor things. It was bad this year.

Kate said...

I love the way you write! You should write a novel!

Melissa A. @ Design Delights said...

I didn't read this yesterday, but I think I read it at just the right time. I was having one of those nights last night when I thought, no one really cares about who I am or what I do, and my husband is like yours, he just gives me a big hug and tells me that he cares and I remember that is all that matters.

Abby said...

What a great post, and ditto what your mom wrote! This snow has got me in a funk too! and as a side note, when you get barstools, don't get them with fabric seats...mine are a mess!

Vanessa Rae said...

Thank you so much for sharing your heart Marta, it's so nice to know that we're all in this womanhood/motherhood season together.

Kathy said...

Life has been too busy to read my favorite blogs lately and boy, am I glad I paused long enough to read this one. We have the same thoughts, only you say it sooo much better! This is such a lovely post. I would love to know you in real life. Bless you for writing this. It is so true.

Marisa said...

Ack! Somehow I forgot to add your new site to my Google Reader and have been wondering why I hadn't "heard" from you lately. :)

From one drama queen to another, I say, AMEN. Great post. And well-said, as always.

Carmie, the Single Nester said...

Your hubby sounds like a sweetie and hopefully this Single Nester will know what it's like.

One Love Photo said...

And I love this!!!!!!!

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