19 July 2010

thanks in all things

a thousand thanks to you.

we had a mini vacation this past weekend to sun valley, idaho. it is a tradition to enjoy the sunshine up there every summer and it was a perfect time to get away for awhile. i am learning more and more that the quiet moments are the best in which i can really listen to the spirit. to appreciate what i've been given and attempt to cope with change. my life is full of busy lists and playing and napping and working and chopping fruit and doing dishes and folding laundry and enjoying company; i am going through the motions so often that i don't just give myself moments to be still. to breathe. and to learn the lessons i should be learning. it was on a quiet country drive that benji and i took a week ago when i knew i should write down my feelings. and perhaps, even share them.

i wrote and re-wrote my thoughts about my miscarriage and wondered if i should indeed post them. being vulnerable is nothing if not completely scary. but i still believe it is a good thing to exchange personal experiences. to open yourself up. it gives you an opportunity to connect with others. easier said then done. i even let dan read my essay beforehand. thank goodness for a go-to guy. i was afraid it would not be appropriate or simply too sad. he encouraged me. after talking myself in and out of it, i decided to pre-schedule the post for sunday, while i was still unplugged in sun valley. that way i couldn't undo it at the last minute.

we enjoyed ourselves. gorgeous surroundings, cute little gift shops, some swimming, some biking and hiking, bare feet in the park, chocolates on our pillows, the sunshine glimmering over the duck pond, sandwiches on rye bread, belgium waffles with whipped cream, listening to books on tape (literally, we still have a tape deck in our car). while driving home i saw rainbows form in the sprinklers along the farmlands. my little boy was carefree and cozy, sleeping in the backseat and my husband was handsome, strong and steady at the wheel. thanks in all things.

we came home from our roadtrip to find your heartfelt comments and kind words waiting in my inbox. wow. it really does heal my heart to read your thoughtful notes. like a huge group hug. thank you for opening up and sharing yourselves with me. it makes this whole blogging thing that much more incredible. everyone who has been so caring has taught me about love. the thing i have learned from this experience is that i wish i had been more caring, more understanding, more loving, more thoughtful to those who have dealt with difficulty and struggles in the past. i've promised myself to be better. i was never one to know what to say and therefore i would usually remain silent. i thought it would be awkward if i brought up the subject or would make them cry if i reminded them. now i realize all one needs is a hug, a loving note, any small gesture to say i'm thinking of you. i suddenly see that you don't have to have the right words to make someone feel a little bit better. usually those who hug the tightest are those who understand what sadness feels like and will mourn with you. right beside you. in these moments, i am learning so much.

today's quote of the day email came from realsimple.com. it seems to fit perfectly in this pocket of time. "The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in." 
- morrie schwartz

stay tuned. vacation photos and awesome how-to's are all lined up for this week. xo.


Ashlynn {mamabear} said...

So sorry for your loss. You are so right on being able to share how you are feeling & find how others words/experience can heal. I miscarried before we had kids & I agree with your sisters ... heal on your own time not for anyone else. Take care.

P.S. I've added you to my email invite list for LAC in case you are interested. We met at book club months ago.

*Dream Weaver* said...

Dear Martha,

My best friend had a miscarriage a couple of months ago. I was there at the hospital with her but I felt that I could not reach out to her. After that incident, we hardly talked what had happened. Perhaps it is the Asian culture ingrained in us or perhaps it is just the pain of having us replaying and unearthing feelings that we don’t quite know how to express or deal with... When I read your post about what you had gone through, I thought about sending it to her and will do so when the time is right. I find your words soothing and comforting. I think one of the greatest things about the internet is the ability to connect people from all over the world, to make them realize that they are not alone and that out there somewhere across the continents, there are people going through the same experiences that they are going through… makes the world seem like a really really small place, doesn’t it?

I really don’t know how you feel, neither can I pretend that I do. But I do know about the emptiness after having gone through my own strange and painful journey. After some time though, I felt God’s healing peace within me and His gentle hands uplifting me and the world became right again. Slowly but surely things felt better. There was more hope and more reason to live to breathe, to feel, to experience, to love. Writing helped. Sharing helped too.

I don’t know what words of comfort I can share with you so here are some of my favourite Bible quotes for you.

• Be strong and take heart all you who hope in the Lord - Psalm 31:24
• The Lord is near to all who call to him - Psalm 145:18
• I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you - John 14:18

I am sending my prayers your way that you will feel better soon and that God will shower His abundant blessings on you and your little family.

PS: Your short trip sounds lovely :)

crissy // mama boss said...

Thank you, for your words and your strength. You are beautiful.

Bluebelle said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I know your words and heart and strength are helping other women. Thinking of you all.

Dawn said...

Thinking of you and still holding your hand tight in mine.


Hil said...

Amazing how much love and support can come from this "little" online community of bloggers, isn't it? So glad you guys had such a great time and had some me time as well. Can't wait to see pictures and hear all about it.

For the record, I am so glad you posted your story. It will help so many women who have either gone through a miscarriage, will go through a miscarriage or knows somebody who has. You are so wonderful and your words are perfect. Hugs being sent your way once again.

Amy at Ameroonie Designs said...

I think experiences like this teach us what sisterhood is all about. It is amazing what women can do when all the extra "fluff" is cut away and we are left with common feelings of love, understanding, compassion and support. What a world it would be if we could always stay in such a place of charity. Thank you for braving others' opinions and opening yourself up- it frees up so many others to do the same.

AndersenFamily said...

Oh Marta my heart aches for you and your loss. I am so sorry. I know there is nothing to say that can make it better, but please know I am thinking of you and sending love your way.

Chelsea and Rusty said...


brookehenn said...

i so enjoy reading your blog, and i so thank you for sharing your heart. you are in my prayers.

Johanna said...

Marta, thank you for opening yourself up and finding the courage to share your difficult story with us all. I know that you will have helped many women who are dealing with similar pain...we really are all connected.
I've been thinking of you and your beautiful little family.
I hope that you continue to find the strength that you need. God bless.

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