i haven't written down my resolutions yet. i know. it's so unlike me. it's almost like i'm afraid of them. almost like after last year with the ups and downs; anticipation, excitement, disappointment, sadness, and frustrations of a failed pregnancy and other sudden-alities (yes, i made that word up. it means when reality hits you in the face and you're like, wait, this wasn't going to be my life, but there it is, in black and white). this year, among a long list of goals, i mostly want to learn how to roll with the punches. can i sign up for that class? is there a punch card to learn how to roll with what life throws at you? i want to learn how to be the best me without having a checklist of what i'd like to learn, accomplish, do, be, manage, micro-manage and so forth this year. i wish for more solid footing, no matter how rocky the trail. i want to learn to feel the emotions of something without being swept under the rug with them nor caught up in their waves.
i want to be strong in faith / strong in heart. i learned a valuable lesson this past year, i don't have to be the rock, i just need to have a rock to cling to. thank goodness for God and His all-knowing power. i have to tie my faith to something bigger than myself. i am not always so steady. however, He is. i often wonder (and wish i knew) what is to come and what is in store, around every corner. i have to let Him lead me into the life He has planned and then follow the whisperings to do what is right, to do what i know i should, to live under the influence and inspiration of God and His light.
there is a quote from aristotle, the more you know, the more you know you don't know. that's how i've been feeling. as if i finally understand every nook and cranny of my wooden box, every knot and nail. like i'm the big man on campus–in my box, that is–until one day, bored of my boards, i start looking and seeing my box for what it is; made of slats of wood. and suddenly, without warning, i see the truth. i see the inbetween space, the seemingly insignificant space i'd ignored all this time. there is sunlight coming through those slats! glorious and warm. a whole world out there, just waiting to be understood. suddenly my thorough knowledge of my box is no longer enough.
i want to be kind and sincere. i want to remember what matters. last year i realized in a very real way, i'm not really in control here. i mean, i am. in a lot of important ways, i am. (i am very in control of my attitude, if my bed gets made, if i eat healthy, if i wipe up spills, if i make good choices, if i am on the ball and work hard and live up to my promises and adhere to my deadlines and make my boys happy, etc. etc.) however i am not in control of the problems that may come, the unknowns that will land in my lap, the stuck sensations of hopelessness, the overwhelming feelings, nor the sudden attacks of i'm-not-good-enoughs or i-feel-like-being-lazy-forever, the small challenges that dribble in. but i am lucky to have power to channel my energy, change my course, rethink my plans and re-route my attitude. i want to embrace what i do have control of and be grateful for it.
so i am going to keep trying. i am going to keep my yoga mat in my car for weeknight sessions, i am going to keep talking myself into zumba class, i will do a better job of talking myself out of watching lame television (anyone else here read Kardashian Konfidential over christmas? no? just me?), i will continue to create, i will continue to snuggle my boys a lot, find new ways to be stylish with old stuff, rack up minutes with my mom and dad, read a book or two, try new recipes with reckless abandon, find joy in what i do, and be disciplined in life and confident from the inside out. and manage to eat breakfasts that don't consist of cookies (starting today). am hoping to focus in on what's real, what matters and what i believe in. i hope to build more meaningful exchanges with those i care about and do something from scratch every single day, whether it is baking bread, writing a letter, molding play-doh, or jotting something genuine on this blog.
two thousand eleven, let the games begin.
thanks for reading. as always, i so appreciate you.
p.s. my sister was right. the i just cut my bangs look goes away after a week.
[the countdown to ALT is on. i'm getting packed up and heading out very soon! i love that it's taking place in my hometown, my favorite town. i also love that i'll have a personal stylist / babysitter / amazing blogger mom to stay with (whom i can come home to and discuss all the thrilling details with)! it's so nice having a mom who gets blogging, talking about blogging with people who don't see its value can be frustrating. which is why this conference is going to be so rad. it's going to be a crazy phenomenon to meet so many bloggers who i feel like i know but don't actually know. some of them, i may not even recognize until i discover their www. i am going to be so starstruck (and hopefully not too goofy). after reading every one's recaps from last year, i realized how much i wanted to be apart of it; so i'll attempt to pay it forward. i plan to give a full report when i return next week. no laptop, iphone, or twitter account for me (i hope they don't kick me out). i'll be the one playing it old school, with a notebook and pen.
i've been thinking long and hard about our upcoming panel, blogging personal stories. (we speak on thursday at two o'clock, i'd love to meet you!) i indeed feel passionate about it; stories are the threads that can connect us, make us better people. stories are what makes us laugh and makes us cry; stories are what bring us together (no matter how different we are)! i'll be speaking with karey and nie nie who are incredible women and currrently, super fun email penpals. nie nie is a household name around here (a rockstar in the realm of blogging true life stories), it will be a smashing thing to meet her. i have a feeling i'll be all huggy and teary-eyed, like i'm this long lost friend (which technically i'm not, however much i feel for her). i wonder if she gets that a lot. stephanie is definitely a hero of mine and i will never tire of hearing her incredible story. you must set aside time to listen to this recent interview. (like right now while you're browsing blogs.) the interviewer, ruth todd asks such detailed questions. i listened to it while i was scanning documents and later, had a free moment to browse my google reader. after listening to their story, the blogs full of fancy things looked so much less enticing. i didn't feel overwhelmed with jealousy or the gimmie gimmies. i felt grateful for what i have. because that is how personal stories can make you feel. they are a gifts of words, ready for us to absorb them. lots more to come. xo.]