11 July 2012

smiling on the inside.


smiling at my favorite man in the world. i am thirty-four weeks along here.

to catch up on my recent thoughts. my moments are filled with anticipation, to say the least. one minute i am filled with hyper activity; filling the freezer with extra meals and hanging picture frames in the boys' room and researching apricot jam recipes and telling myself to hurry up and pack a hospital bag. not to mention how i am suddenly mopping the floors with vigor and wiping the baseboards like nobody's business. and yet the other minutes, i am telling myself to relax. to chill. to sit and read a magazine. to bathe and deep condition. to store up my energy. i'll need it when the surprise party hits. 

i know so many mamas hate the end of the waiting game we call pregnancy, they tell me they are just done. but–out of fear of the unknown or perhaps, out of patience–i am learning to love it. (other than waddling around and wearing the same three outfits on repeat.) the suspense of the surprise is fun to me. i told my doctor this morning that i'm really in no hurry. this baby will come when he's good and ready. and he's not even due for another 3 weeks. of course when i went grocery shopping on monday i wondered to myself if this were the last time i'd take one child with me to the grocery store. how simple people tell me one child is. how easy one child seems to be when you have more than one under wing. i'm sure it's true. i wonder if there are things i'll look back on and wish i'd done more of when life were seemingly so simple. life is always more simple in hindsight. therefore i stocked my cart to the brim so i wouldn't have to go back for weeks. i must've looked awesome pushing that grocery cart while waddling the aisles, heavy like an ox. i loaded a giant seedless watermelon into my cart and laughed at the vision of myself, it nearly slipped and smashed to the ground. (how will i fit a watermelon and two kids into my cart?)

our first is almost four years old. and he has come into his own. he is sweeter than honey. he reminds dad to be safe when he heads out for an early morning bike ride, he tells me mom, i sure love you sporadically throughout the day. he says things that make me smile and then weep a little. he has always been my little sunshine boy. and yes, surely i am biased. he spreads this happiness throughout me like a ray of light. i can't describe it better than that. i knew he was special way back when, but oh, how he has completely lifted me. changed me. seasoned me. made me into a mother.

to be frank, i find myself feeling guilty that whenever i think of our new babe entering the world, i cannot not think of benji too. how unfair that i'm always thinking of the oldest child. is this how it will always be, i wonder. my mind drifts into how the new baby will affect him, how we will introduce them, how their births will be similar and how they will differ. how they will get along, how i will make sure i divvy up my time and my love and honor their personalities and uniqueness. surely–i trust–this second tiny one will carve out a whole new spot in my heart; new dreams i haven't even dreamt yet. however the first is all i know at the moment. he has paved the path of motherhood for me.

in the quiet moments, benji feels my bobbing belly and looks up with his giant chestnut eyes and innocently asks, am i a big brother yet? for awhile i was telling him, nope.. not yet, not for a few more weeks.. but now i realize i've been wrong. i've changed my answer. every tidal wave of my midsection tells me this babe is ready to make his move. he is ready to add a new role to the family. this little brother is already making his impact. we are talking about him, naming him, practicing for our new life with him. readying ourselves to welcome him with wide arms. yes, yes! you are a big brother. and i am a new mother, all over again.


32 comments:

cranny + b said...

Marta,
I love that you are enjoying this pregnancy to the fullest and soaking up each moment.

I'll never forget my last night of being a mama to one, the night that our Jobie started making his way into this world. My water had broken, but I knew I had time. It was about midnight. My Graeme had been sleeping for several hours, but I crept into his room, pulled him out of his crib and held him tight and told him, through tears!, that I loved him so much and was so very thankful for him. I knew his world would be changing so drastically and my heart broke and filled with excitement all in the same beat it seemed. I will always be glad that I held him that last time as my "only" that night. My heart took a picture that night that is so precious to me.

Enjoy these special, special moments with your little guy and then enjoy those wonderful, incredibly joyous, new moments as a family of four.

By the way, my little guys love each other so much-- I pray the same for yours-- it is such a beautiful thing.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful! Thanks for your words. I won't be in your shoes (at the end of my pregnancy) for a few more months. This is also our second child and I echo your thoughts...although there is no way I could have put it so eloquently. Wish you all the best in the coming weeks as your family grows.

joy said...

Such a beautifully written post. Wishing you continued happiness as you prepare for your second's birth day!

HAS said...

Marta, your words were so beautiful and heartfelt! I hope that the rest of this pregnancy is wonderful for you (I think it will be!). Enjoy your 'only' child for now, as you are/have been.
xo

holtkamp said...

three more weeks - that's so exciting! i too am curious about how it will be having two kids!

Becca Groves said...

Marta,
I am due in five days with baby #2 and reading this post was like good therapy! I am feeling all the same stuff. I carry a bit of guilt that I can't focus and celebrate just the baby-to-be, but Ivar is so apart of me...it's just different this time.

I'll be eager to track with you as this new life unfolds.
Joyfully,
Becca

Ashley said...

Beautiful post. I am pregnant with our second as well and could relate to so many things in this post. Thanks for sharing.

chris said...

Oh, this brought happy tears to my eyes. Your Benji and my youngest are the same age, although she is our sweetest caboose rather than the first. I promise your heart will swell with love you never thought possible for both your boys. What a wonderful thing to be a mama to two boys. Wishing you a wondrous birth and happy beginning as a family of four.

talesofahummingbird said...

beautifully written, thanks for sharing - i think these are thoughts every momma has when preparing to welcome her second little into her world. and then you are holding that second, newest little in your arms and the instant you do...suddenly your heart is 100 times bigger and you realize your capacity for love is so much bigger than you imagined. two is beautiful. three is incredible. its a big, busy transition, but in a few short months you'll find your groove. benji will be the sweetest big brother, no doubt! enjoy!

Brenna said...

I agree with the previous poster about how your heart expands with each child. Seeing the personality differences between children makes me love them more as individuals. I love watching them care for each other and interact. I love thinking about how close they will become.

At one point during my second pregnancy I was worried about how my oldest would feel having to make room for another sibling and share his parents. Then I thought about how someday I will be gone, and God willing, they will have each other for support and love. Even now, I think about how I'm much prefer to call my sisters about some things rather than my parents. You are giving him an amazing gift.

Good luck with these last few weeks!

Michelle said...

Beautiful thoughts, Marta. I loved chatting with you on the lawn tonight. Benji is a charmer and I can't wait to meet this new little one.

Martha said...

My oldest is actually my step-daughter but she's been my baby since she was 2 (now 10) - when her little brother was born I had these same thoughts, wondering how my little puzzle pieces would come together. Beautiful post!

BusyB said...

What a beautiful read. I am excited for you.

Carly said...

you look lovely (as always) and i enjoyed reading this post. good luck in your last few weeks of pregnancy and being a mama of only one little guy!

Eeny said...

beautifully writen post, marta.

as you know, i am not a mama myself but even as just the nanny or the babysitter, i sometimes catch myself comparing the little brother/sister to the big brother/sister. and i am pretty sure that it will always be that way. specially in the early days/months/years. i think you can't help thinking e.g. oh, that was the age benji started walking or talkin... or anything like that. guess that's pretty normal. with the first one everything is new and with the second one it seems not to be but it actually is too - just in a different way.

benji will be a wonderful big brother and i can't wait to hear stories about big and little bro. hope you'll share. =)

only three more weeks. wow. so exciting.

Amanda said...

Oh Marta, I think I may love these dear diary posts the best. You write so beautifully and I feel like I can feel what you're feeling. (That's not confusing, eh?) Your words made me so excited for your family! Sending lots of love to you all!

Julia at Calm Cradle said...

Marta, I had tears in my eyes reading this post. I was in your shoes just a few months ago; our second daughter arrived 10 weeks ago and our first was just 17 months at the time.

All the same thoughts and worries were going through my head about what it would be like to become a mother to two. But then our second little angel arrived and the magic began all over again. I've found that the newborn stuff is old hat this time around, but the huge challenge is the balancing act of caring for two young kids. (I recently wrote down some of my thoughts on having a second here: http://www.calmcradle.com/1/post/2012/07/a-few-thoughts-at-two-months-in.html)

But you WILL find that balance! Give yourself time and don't be afraid to accepts LOTS of help during the first several weeks. Good luck as you approach the end of this waiting game!

Miek said...

It's an exciting time... I think it is! Good thing you're enjoying yourself :)

Travelin'Oma said...

You make me wish I could have a new baby all over again! Your observations are so honest and loving. Unfortunately, lots of young mothers wrap their hearts in self-pity and miss out on the joy you describe. You have the secrets of life figured out.

Anonymous said...

Oh Marta! How sweetly you describe motherhood. I remember reading your blog and waiting with you in anticipation of Benji's arrival. Can it really be 4 years already?! I'm anxiously waiting on this new babe's arrival too! Congratulations!!!!
-Daisy

AmberLee said...

Marta, am so excited for you!! and for big brother too : )
Loved reading your thoughts, you've totally taken me back. And it's true, it is an amazing thing to have two unique little people to get to know.

A Wife and her Carpenter said...

SO beautiful Marta. So beautiful.

Lettie said...

Love it. And I can't say for you, but once I had #2 I just couldn't think how we survived in this world without him. And same for number 3. I'm always happy to hear when women are just begging for their baby to be born ASAP. There is a certain beauty in having a human grow in you that is incomparable.
And Benji really is the sweetest little guy. I say that with no bias. :)Even it is is tough being the oldest, there are so many benefits. He will have gotten all that one on one attention from you and Dan that no other child will get. When I found out I was pregnant with #2 when #1 was only 5 months old I bawled because he wasn't going to get that one on one time for a couple of year that I was hoping. But the rest don't, and all has turned out just great. You are a cute mom and so enthusiastic. Sorry to fill your head with compliments again. Ha ha!

Lettie said...

I meant when women AREN'T begging for the baby to come, but more excited than impatient...

Rosa Rivero said...

how much i love your writing - thanks for sharing!

Melissa said...

Marta, I love the way you write. Between your gift for expression and my mother's heart, I'm teary through a lot of your posts. I'm so excited for you and new baby. There was a mourning process for me when I brought Jenna home. I mourned our little family of three. It would never again be just the three of us. I worried that I had lost time or missed something I should have done. I thought it was odd that I felt all those sad feelings when I should have been happy, and I'd never heard anyone talk about the shift with a second child. But those 2 1/2 years with Heather all alone were so special that I had a hard time shifting. Ten years later, I don't remember life without Jenna, except for that first few days when she was new. We never had a third, so I don't know how it goes with number 3, but I know that it's normal to think and feel the shift. Your family is so cute, and it will just get cuter. I can't wait to hear about life when baby #2 is here. :) xoxo

Marta said...

I remember those last weeks with the only child. I used to cry when she left to go to preschool, knowing how much her world was about to change, how much I loved her sensitive little soul, and wondering if I could ever love anything as much as her. (I'm tearing up even as I recall this memory). But, as every mother can attest, you do love that next child just as much as the first. Enjoy these last days as a threesome, and take joy in all the firsts you'll again be blessed to witness when that day arrives. Wishing you an easy, quick delivery!

Marta said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
melissa deakin said...

hi my sweet friend!
it has been way too long, but i want to tell you how beautiful you look an how excited i am for you as you await the arrival of new babe. enjoy every moment and i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo

Amber, theAmberShow said...

He's almost four? I've been reading since before you announced he was on the way. Oh my goodness. I didn't realize.

Life is always simpler in hindsight, huh?

Dee said...

a new chapter. so much to look forward to. watching your boys grow up together will give you more joy than you can ever know. hold tight to all these moments, they are so fleeting. hugs <3

Chrissy said...

Oh, my, I am so glad to have found you (via the amazing Pinterest). Your writing is beautiful.

I have four children, now ages 19/16/14/11. There were always two surprises when I brought home another baby: how much older the older ones appeared, and that the laundry was insurmountable!
Actually, neither one of those things are changing as the years are flying past me.

May your babymoon be filled with joy and peace!
ReadWriteSing

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