06 August 2008

early morning musings

i know i shouldn't be blogging at this bloody early time of day but i am. i know i shouldn't even be awake yet. as my dog-eared books say, this is nature's way of preparing me. last night, i told dan not to wake me up before he went to work this morning. who knew i'd be making his lunch two hours before he even got up? what else do you do in the wee hours of life? i've made a to do list, i've cut my fingernails, i've read the last chapter of my book and i've entered the bills into cyberland automatic ebills. whoever told me about that, bless you. it's really the best thing in life to have your bills all electronically filed and ready to go. it's genius. it's one of those details that makes for a happier existence. speaking of which, Tums is right up there too. nata, you were right, the smoothie flavor is the best and has made for a happier life. before the babe came into his 20+ weeks of being, heartburn was another one of those things i knew people dealt with, thanks to the commercials where a flaming chest is illustrated, but something i easily scoffed at. then it suddenly became this symptom that i was looking up in the back glossaries. thankfully it's been a smallish inconvenience, every time i guzzle a limeade i pay the price. but i realize this is only a short while, my limeade drinking days will be back in full swing in no time.

speaking of no time, i realize that my days of life as i know it are limited. yesterday i bought milk with my due date stamped on it's plastic carton. now if that's not a thrilling moment, i don't know what is. therefore i am attempting to pack in a whole lot at once. and yet still take it easy and not over do it. and yet still do it all. because i know who i am now and it's hard to know who i will be once there is a babe in my arms. it's an interesting feeling to be preparing for the unknown. when will this babe make his debut? will he be early, will he wait 15 days or will he be fashionably late? unlike other new mamas i feel completely okay with whatever his timeframe is. for reals. i would just like to be made aware. is that too much to ask? yet i see the big picture. there are so few true surprises in life. i want to enjoy the anticipation of the unknown. (and capture these feelings up in a bottle for a rainy day.) which is what this whole birth thing is all about. the unknowing. the letting go. the placing of trust in something bigger than just me. it's all about the surrendering. i have a feeling this is among the many hundreds of thousands of lessons that having a baby is going to teach me.

the sun is coming up. and the day is dawning (as cat stevens sings, morning has broken) and i have a whole day of work ahead of me. suddenly i see every ordinary day as a possibility of a birthday for my first born. it's unbelievably exciting and motivating. i've never grasped life in the way i am now. i want to hurry up and cross everything off my list, memorize poetry, eat healthy, read good things, fill myself up with wisdom, surround myself with only importantness, dust off the soot of the unnecessary, see only the best in others, unclog my potential, discover who i am and become my best self. i believe it is in there. our very best self is inside, we just have to find a way to give birth to it. to cherish it and treasure it and protect it.

the sprinklers just turned on
and life is slowly beginning outside.
onto a new day.
onto a new opportunity.
onto a whole new self.
before i meet the new one
who will change me completely.

19 comments:

Daisy said...

It is the new one who will make you your best self. Enjoy these last few moments as you and as you and your husband. Things will never be the same again. And that's okay, because your heart is about to grow a million times larger.

Samosas for One said...

This was very lovely to read. There is a sacredness to early morning when you are awake and the world is still asleep.

TravelinOma said...

You are definitely in the creative mode! Your potential is sitting inside with his very own to-do list. He'll arrive in a tiny little body, with a full-size spirit, ready to teach you all about yourself. It is truly an amazing process.

I can't believe how lucky we are that we each get to go through it all individually, simultaneously with the whole world, but that it's brand-new every time. You're part of the circle of life! Oh-oh...I hear African singing. I think a song is coming on! (Simba??)

allison said...

This post inspired me to let go of some anxiety that I've been battling constantly for the past couple of weeks (the surrendering part of it). Thank you for that. Your perspective is enlightening and beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with me.

Best,
Allie

ellen said...

Your blog is delightful!

Megan said...

Brad taught you how to pay bills online. I remember it like it was yesterday! Right here in the office, at your computer, that i so wish you were at right now. (miss you) I'll give him your blessings! :)
Beautiful post. It makes me want to make a to-do list of how to become my best self.
Loved it.

nadia said...

beautiful, just beautiful!

sherrieg said...

I had to comment on this post - I was picking raspberries this morning and whistling 'Morning Has Broken'. Yesterday I checked the due date in a library book, and it was the day I go back to work after summer holidays. I totally chart the passage of time by date stamps on dairy products and library books! And the previous commenter is right - your wee one will change you into your best self (even if it takes a few months to realize it!) Good luck,
Sherrie

-amanda said...

Enjoy the quiet moments, but look forward to all the chaos that will come. Children really are a gift and my life is so much fuller now. What did I ever do before? (Ok I went to the movies and had nice dinners, stayed out late and slept, but still). Good luck.

My Three Sons Designs said...

I think we get woken up early in the end just to have moments like you had this morning...being grateful for the time you've had alone with your husband, and being so excited and wide-eyed about the days to come. This is an incredible life, isn't it?

Patricia said...

How beautiful!

Lovebird said...

You are such a doll, I love reading your posts.

Christy said...

I'm not sure how I found your blog, but I've been reading for awhile. De-lurking to say how much I loved this post. I've just had my third baby (she's 8 weeks), and while there was anticipation with each one, there is nothing like the unknown before your first. How exciting! Best wishes!

christine said...

sheesh I wish I could put my feelings to words as beautiful as you do. Very well written. :)

Pina said...

Life seems so easy when I read your words. How happy I am that I can read your posts! So beautiful!

Bev said...

having a child is the most amazing thing in your life -- it will totally change the way you look at everything -- remember to enjoy each and every stage of it because it blows by in an instant (I remember clearly thinking the kind of things you are saying, and it seems like yesterday, but my BABY is now 25!)

gab said...

Loved this post!

Wonder which will last longer...the milk or the pregnancy?! Keep posting!

Angie said...

Such a lovely post :-)

d.Sharp said...

so wonderfully written. wishing you the best - parenthood is pretty amazing.

Related Posts with Thumbnails