photos by me // at the MOMA on our last trip to new york city.
as of late, admittedly, the blog page has not been wooing me in its usual sugary sensationally tempting way. in the good old days i felt like a bee headed to its hive; with tales dripping of tasty honey. but. i am in a slump. slumpier than slump. as it is lasting longer than a slump should. i'm sorry to say i have been going through the motions, trying to keep up here. waiting for the romance of blogging to return. surely it will. hopefully it will; it's one of the only things i know how to do these days. and with that, i've sensed an unwelcome resentful chirping in my ear, as i scroll through glamorous / clever / riveting / crafty / homey / lovely post upon post in my google reader. so many out there photographing, documenting, creating, doing, writing and making. goal-oriented and intentional blogging; the best of its kind. while i sit here flapping my wings with all my might and never actually taking off. my blog feels misplaced suddenly, due to my uneasiness. likely it's only in my mind, i mean, who is really to say who belongs and who doesn't belong. still, there is a distinct doggy paddling happening here and i need to regroup and figure out what i want out of all this. i am somewhat chuckling inside because i know i have written seminars on why blogging is rad, which can be found in my archives. i should be my own best cheerleader on the subject. but i've been pondering this for months now and i haven't given myself the go ahead to find any real clarity. why do i blog. why should i blog. what is my message. what are my intentions with publishing my words for all to read. who is this for. where is it going. if anywhere. am i okay with a simple diary online or am i saying something more. what is the point of yet one more blog for people to scroll through. am i lending out anything with real genuine substance. i recently read something akin to: those who get what they want out of life have usually taken the time to figure out (precisely) what they want in life. why have i let the routine of it all cloud the vision of what i truly want.
one of my favorite things about going to an art gallery, aside from viewing masterpieces close enough to study thick brush strokes, is watching how people react. how people tango back and forth slowly from frame to frame, or wait and tilt their heads awhile or sit down on a bench and write or rush through to the popular pieces or whisper in corners, letting the artwork set the mood. i like watching all of us, so varied, enjoying the same art in our own very personal ways. for years now, blogging has been my platform to put my words, my heart, out there. for anyone to come take a peek; to stay as long as they please or to skip around like rain on a rooftop. now, more than ever, i see how valuable our time is (yours and mine) and i long to say something that matters; to you. to me.
i'll be back after i regroup.
p.s. i promise this isn't a pity party. thank you for reading my blog; so many of you have stuck with me for years and i love that. i am flattered and happy some of you have reached out. this year i've been able to interact with readers on a very awesome level; letters, emails and even meetings. i like to know who you are and what you're all about too. (somedays even i get sick of the one-sided conversation that a blog tends to be.) i've come to realize that i rather gain a friendship with a few of you than hoard the readership of the masses. i freed myself of wanting to be the biggest baddest best blogger out there a long time ago. letting go of the popularity contest is nice. a lot less pressure. still, there is something in me that is still trying to keep up. i hope to rid myself of those feelings to compare and just be me. and let it all hang out. but this takes courage. and intention. and guts. and time. i need to find out why blogging should continue to be apart of my life. what am i giving and what is it giving. and why is it worth the effort and time it takes. this is hopefully just the beginning of a year full of good changes and personal evolution. wishing you a happy new year and some quiet time to figure out exactly what you'll make of it. xo.
p.p.s. this post took me a little over an hour to write (and edit). but it was therapeutic and well worth it. i hope, if you're still reading, it will help you in some small way too.