22 February 2012

baby hunger / the pain and the joy



am feeling a bit anxious about documenting tidbits about this pregnancy as i am not so sure how to dive in. i'm tiptoeing around posting about the topic i love: babies. perhaps because these last couple years have been full of wanting, wishing, and waiting for a baby. hoping for a positive sign on that silly stick. i know what it's like to read / skim / cruise past / even unsubscribe from blogs about pregnancy. sometimes it's just too painful to read. i know how it feels to feel like you're failing every month; to be rejected from doctors because they're only accepting pregnant patients; to feel lonely and lost and like no one understands; to be the girl people are tiptoeing around. i know how it feels to throw a pity party (with a sad bowl of ice cream).

more recently, i know how it feels to wish (on every star in the galaxy) that your little one had another little one to play with, to share everything with, to eat breakfast with, to buckle seatbelts with, to share french fries with, to run around with, to grow up with, to giggle madly with, to ride in the wagon with, to splash in the bathtub with, to learn with–even perhaps–to fight with. i know that i-wish-to-give-him-a-sibling yearning so well (and hope never to forget it). 

i want to acknowledge those of you waiting for a baby to join your family. i'm sorry what you're longing for is not happening. we've had a taste of feeling truly baby hungry and i know no one can say the right thing to comfort you in those dark times of sadness. every situation is different and you hear hopeful stories, but you never know how your own story will play out. you want to have faith but you also want to be realistic. however, i know the comfort arrives in little doses. in small ways i would look at my life after suffering the miscarriage and think it's actually pretty perfect, i've been so blessed. we are so grateful to already have one healthy happy child in our arms; so many we know are still waiting for (or mourning after) their babies. i see others dealing with difficulty and feel thankful for my burden. i can handle this i would think. we can be strong through this. i know God has a plan for each of us individually; understanding the timing of it is the hardest part.

finding out we were indeed expecting was almost shocking, as i was getting used to those negative results. it was such a joyous happy feeling, one we couldn't keep secret for long. we told our families on christmas with little matryoshka doll ornaments with our mini announcement scrolled up inside their tummies. (the first signs of pregnancy were my wildly colorful and phenomenally crazy dreams. i'd forgotten about pregnancy dreams and didn't even realize that could be a sign; but night after night i kept having random, awesome circus flying incredible dreams.) and yes, of course i've been worried about miscarrying again but have a much better outlook on pregnancy this time around. i have tried to enjoy the nauseated-morning-saltine-cracker routine. i've tried to think positively and know in my heart that God has a plan for this little baby. no matter what happens, i'm still its mama. knowing that means i've tried to treasure mothering this soul each and every day thus far. i've learned about letting go of trying to be in control and rather, enjoy feeling the absolute joy of carrying a miracle.

46 comments:

Amanda said...

Beautiful post, Marta. You are so sweet and wise and lovely. This post is the first one that I've read that has given thought to those people who are still longing for or mourning a baby. It's so nice (an understatement) of you to think of others.

I do hope you'll share updates with us. I know that there are many of us who are over-the-moon excited for you and your family!

Miranda said...

You have hit nail on the head every time I read your blog posts. I love how you talk about people feeling they need to tiptoeing around you... that is where we are at this point.
Please don't hesitate to keep posting about your pregnancy. It brings hope to those who are still waiting, wishing, and dreaming for there babies to come.
We have been waiting for that positive stick, but month after month of negatives soon becomes disheartening.
I have one living son and a stillborn and a miscarriage so to get that positive stick is another ball park for me, as I'm sure you know!!
I am so excited for you and your family! Congratulations! Keep that baby cookin'!

Maria @ Orchard Bloom said...

lovely post and congratulation! I hope you enjoy every moment.

Alyssa said...

Thank you for your sharing! Your comments were beautifully written; I can definitely relate. :]

I am so happy for your and your family! What an exciting time!

Jessi said...

This is why I love your blog, Marta. You are an amazing writer. You say the things that I am thinking but far more eloquently than I ever could! I am so excited for you and your family. I am so glad that the Lord has given you peace until this point and that He has blessed you with this little one.

J, K and L said...

congratulations! i am so excited for you & yours. best wishes...

summer said...

this post was masterfully written, my friend. so gracious and joyfully sincere! it truly is a wonder. a new Dansie!! :)

cecilia said...

your faith is such a blessing to that little baby too.
thanks for sharing your deeply personal thoughts with us.

Pink Panda said...

Beautifully said, Marta. (And I can't believe a Dr. wouldn't see you if you weren't pregnant!)

Hannah said...

I am absolutely thrilled for you, marta. You are always so gracious and kind. I have so appreciated your sweet emails during this hard time for us, but you give me hope. I'm so excited to read more about this pregnancy of yours.

Christina said...

Such a beautiful post and such a wonderful attitude to have about every pursuit in life- to let go of trying to be in control and enjoy the ride. Thank you for sharing your journey to this baby!

Susie said...

Oh Marta, this is exactly the post I needed to read this morning. We have been trying for #2 for a year and had a miscarriage last fall. I was devastated and was probably not in a very healthy place over the holidays - frantically testing ovulation, trying *ahem* with my husband even when we were exhausted and frankly, not in the mood. My son has been putting all his little stuffed animals to bed, feeding them and brushing their teeth, and I ache to give him a little brother or sister. I've calmed down a little, but even last month, seeing that single negative line on the pregnancy stick was enough to send me in a funk for the whole week of my period.

And the irony is, I'm a prenatal yoga teacher and infant massage instructor. So I'm surrounded daily by mamas-to-be and little babies to love. Luckily I'm able to separate my personal worries from work and I am heart-glad for every woman who comes to my classes, filled with expectant joy. (Including you!! I was thrilled to read your news!)

So thank you, for a little reminder that other women understand. I know the best thing I can do now is to relax, let things happen (or not) and simply enjoy the smell of my little boy's head such as it was this morning.

Hayley said...

marta, you write so beautifully. i'm so happy you're pregnant. since your miscarriage, i've hoped you'd announce that you were pregnant again.

i have many friends struggling and i want to direct them all over here to read this.

and that picture of you is absolutely darling. you're beautiful!

Anna said...

Such a thoughtful and beautiful post, from the heart.I am so thrilled for your family.

SewSara said...

beautifully said, marta. so happy for you!! wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy :)

Kim said...

In retrospect I am grateful for our infertility struggles because it has opened my eyes to a lovely collection of people I didn't before take much time to think about. I didn't enjoy the enduring through it all (and quite honestly wasn't all that pleasant or brave) but I can say here on the other side I learned much in the process.

Congrats on your growing bambino! And, that Benji will be a darling big brother. I too longed for my daughter to have a sibling and the adoration is now such a fun thing to observe.

Marilyn said...

Your thoughtful, sincere honesty is uplifting. Thank you.

Britta said...

There needs to be more people in the world with empathy that you have. Amazing what trials do to us, huh? I know this very thing all too well. Congratulations on your impending little babe.

M.C. Sommers said...

Thank you for writing this. I had two miscarriages last year and it has been a really difficult experience with so many ups and downs. I'm just always surprised that amidst the heartache, the hope only seems to grow. Some days I feel so strong and others I feel like any little thing could push me over the edge. I've learned that it's ok to have good days and bad days and to not be so hard on myself when I struggle to congratulate another friend. Someday that will be me and hopefully I'll be sensitive to others who are struggling. Thanks for being such a great example of that kindness.

black tag diaries said...

marta... this was such a beautifully written post. thank you for your genuine sensitivity to the topic, even in the midst of your own celebration. my husband and i are in that period of waiting... and have been for a while now. but the Lord has taught me SO MUCH through the waiting. some days are harder than others and your opening paragraph seemed to be my very own thoughts. i've always loved your blog... and this is just another reason why. my heart celebrates with you during this exciting time! again... thanks for your words, they were encouraging to more people than you will probably ever know.

Ashley said...

Beautiful post. I can relate to all aspects of the whole pregnancy thing. Infertility, miscarriage, and getting pregnant the first month of trying. All of it!~

{ella} said...

Thank you being so thoughtful when I'm sure you want to be nothing but joyful in this pregnancy. My husband and I have been trying for our first baby for 3.5 years and had a miscarriage in December. To be honest, any pregnancy is hard to read about. But that doesn't keep me from coming back. Through my own struggles, I have prayed for a baby for you since you posted about your heartbreaking miscarriage. Every single post you write, I scan through quickly hoping to see a pregnancy announcement.

Let's make a deal. If you promise to continue to be your thoughtful, compassionate self while celebrating this time in your life, I will promise to find hope for myself and continue to be overjoyed for you.

ellen said...

You have such a way with words. I love reading what you write.

Nessa Bixler said...

So beautifully written Marta. Baby hunger is so hard. 18 months to have our first rambunctious little one and an early mc this past summer. I feel so blessed to be pregnant again and then there is that little bit of guilt for those that are waiting. God knows what is best - your words say it best.

Anonymous said...

Marta, you wrote this so well, you are so understanding. My husband and I tried for almost 11 years to have a baby, it was difficult to watch each month pass with no success. I finally gave up hoping, but low-and-behold, one month I was actually expecting a baby. Then 4 years later we were blessed with another baby. I had thought we'd have three or four children but the Lord gave us two, and I always say they were worth the wait (they are 23 and 19 now). Congratulations and I hope everything goes very well for you! Sandy

{amy k.} said...

i may just be one of those people wishin i had a little peanut growing in my belly. but that doesn't stop me from being so excited for you! you are an amazing mom and i've been hoping and wishing for the post to come soon announcing baby #2! all we can do in life is our best and have faith in the Lord's plan for us. so even if i may be jealous of your baby bump or the others i see alllllllll over, i know my time will come and i know the Lord has a plan designed just for me! keep the baby posts coming, they make me happy! :)

Senja said...

marta, you speak right from my heart.

xo senja

Hannah said...

Totally off topic, Marta, but what lipstick are you wearing? It's fab.

marta said...

thank you everyone for your heartfelt words. i appreciate the support and enthusiasm! xo.

and hannah, i am wearing clinique lip gloss in black honey! i love it to pieces; it looks great alone or over anything.

{ SHE } said...

Beautifully stated, as always Marta.

Hannah said...

ooh. I have the almost-lipstick in black honey. The color is much more flattering on you! I love it.

Becca said...

ah thank you, thank you.

Lonely Shadow said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lady Day said...

Marta, you are so beautiful and wise and a breath of fresh air. I am so happy for you and your family and I look forward to hearing all about your adventures! With much, much love.
Vanessa xx

Pina said...

I wish you all the luck in this world because I know how hard a loss of a child is. However, I am still hoping to be a mama one day.

Hil said...

You're thoughts and words are so perfect. I think that trials such as infertility, miscarriages and infant loss truly teach us patience and humility which only then allow us to rely on the Lord's timing rather than our own. I am so incredibly happy for you and Dan, and especially little Benji! He is going to be such a loving and helpful big brother.

Thanks for the heartfelt post Marta. Sending lots of love!

Jaimie said...

i love how sensitive and true you are. there are few better qualities. that baby and your current baby and your husband for that matter, are very lucky to have a woman like you. congratulations.

*Dream Weaver* said...

congratulations Marta. I am so happy for you and will be praying for you.
*hugs*

Carly said...

glad i'm not the only one who has thrown a pity party or two. thank you for not tip toeing around a difficult subject and for always being so kind. i couldn't be happier for you!

Sassy Sarah said...

The loss of a child (via miscarriage or otherwise) is so difficult. I lost my first pregnancy last year and was so devastated. As I was going through that rough time, I remembered that blog post you wrote about the miscarriage you went through. Even though I know it was tough for you to share, thank you for those words.

I now am pregnant again (only 1 week ahead of you!) and everything is looking good. I, too, felt like you. I felt that desire. I felt that longing. I am so grateful that I can now be pregnant again when there are so many who struggle with fertility. I know that is truly is a miracle and blessing from God. I understand all sides of your hesitation in writing this post, but you deserve your happiness. Best wishes for this pregnancy! :)

Meg said...

What a beautifully written post. Congratulations on the new baby! It took me a year to get pregnant with my first boy, and I feel like every second has been so sweet because it took a lot to get him here. We've had many other setbacks along the way and are still really hoping to bring him a sibling one day. But I honestly hope that no one ever feels guilt that they are pregnant because other's aren't in their same situation. Life is a different journey for everyone. We all have different paths to walk. I'm excited to see what you share of this beautiful time in your life. Thanks for the great post!

cranny + b said...

I am so happy for you. God is good all of the time--through the wildernesses and through the "sun shining down on me and the world is all as it should be" moments. ( to quote Matt Redman's song "Blessed Be Your Name-- I song my husband and I "claimed" over the last few years. )

I am new to your blog and enjoy it so much.

I am so thankful that you know God's presence in your life. I too lost a baby through miscarriage and am so grateful for the hope of Christ and the love of my Heavenly Father. We too already had one sweet boy, Graeme, and were looking forward to meeting his new sibling. Apart from the hope I have in Christ and His plan for my life, I would have been lost in the depths of depression. In November of this past year, we very joyously welcomed our second sweet baby boy, Job. I'm crying as I write this because his little life is such a reminder of God's GOODNESS to us, thus his name--Job-- so many think of the difficulties that the biblical Job went through, but most fail to see the sustaining love and continuing goodness of God to Job.

wow, I wrote a book. sorry : )
Just so happy for your new sweet one, thankful that you know the hand of God, and glad to have found you in the wide, wide world of the internet! : )

love,
sarah kate

Julia at Calm Cradle said...

Thank you for this thoughtful post. As someone who has experienced both the joys and heartbreaks of fertility, I admire your courage to speak out about the painful side of longing for a baby--something I haven't yet been able to do.

Busana Muslim said...

thanks for that great info

Vee P said...

Such a beautifully written post. I'm not a mother or mother-to-be.. I'm not married or even have a boyfriend. But I know I can share this post to everyone else who's been through what you went through & I know if I'm ever expecting, I can go back to this post & smile knowing that I'm not alone. Thank you for being honest & I wish you & all the mothers (& to-be's) the best `=]

Rachel said...

Just found your blog and I really appreciate your thoughts in this post. I just had a miscarriage at 16 weeks. It was my second miscarriage in a row. We have one beautiful little boy, but it has still been so hard for me to trust in God's will and in His plan for our family. It is always so wonderful to read and hear stories of women who have gone through similar situations.

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