am feeling a bit anxious about documenting tidbits about this pregnancy as i am not so sure how to dive in. i'm tiptoeing around posting about the topic i love: babies. perhaps because these last couple years have been full of wanting, wishing, and waiting for a baby. hoping for a positive sign on that silly stick. i know what it's like to read / skim / cruise past / even unsubscribe from blogs about pregnancy. sometimes it's just too painful to read. i know how it feels to feel like you're failing every month; to be rejected from doctors because they're only accepting pregnant patients; to feel lonely and lost and like no one understands; to be the girl people are tiptoeing around. i know how it feels to throw a pity party (with a sad bowl of ice cream).
more recently, i know how it feels to wish (on every star in the galaxy) that your little one had another little one to play with, to share everything with, to eat breakfast with, to buckle seatbelts with, to share french fries with, to run around with, to grow up with, to giggle madly with, to ride in the wagon with, to splash in the bathtub with, to learn with–even perhaps–to fight with. i know that i-wish-to-give-him-a-sibling yearning so well (and hope never to forget it).
i want to acknowledge those of you waiting for a baby to join your family. i'm sorry what you're longing for is not happening. we've had a taste of feeling truly baby hungry and i know no one can say the right thing to comfort you in those dark times of sadness. every situation is different and you hear hopeful stories, but you never know how your own story will play out. you want to have faith but you also want to be realistic. however, i know the comfort arrives in little doses. in small ways i would look at my life after suffering the miscarriage and think it's actually pretty perfect, i've been so blessed. we are so grateful to already have one healthy happy child in our arms; so many we know are still waiting for (or mourning after) their babies. i see others dealing with difficulty and feel thankful for my burden. i can handle this i would think. we can be strong through this. i know God has a plan for each of us individually; understanding the timing of it is the hardest part.
finding out we were indeed expecting was almost shocking, as i was getting used to those negative results. it was such a joyous happy feeling, one we couldn't keep secret for long. we told our families on christmas with little matryoshka doll ornaments with our mini announcement scrolled up inside their tummies. (the first signs of pregnancy were my wildly colorful and phenomenally crazy dreams. i'd forgotten about pregnancy dreams and didn't even realize that could be a sign; but night after night i kept having random, awesome circus flying incredible dreams.) and yes, of course i've been worried about miscarrying again but have a much better outlook on pregnancy this time around. i have tried to enjoy the nauseated-morning-saltine-cracker routine. i've tried to think positively and know in my heart that God has a plan for this little baby. no matter what happens, i'm still its mama. knowing that means i've tried to treasure mothering this soul each and every day thus far. i've learned about letting go of trying to be in control and rather, enjoy feeling the absolute joy of carrying a miracle.