A letter to a college student about my career in graphic design

Dear Chloë, 

Thank you for asking my advice on the subject of Graphic Design. I’m so flattered and know that whatever career path you take, you’ll really fly! I’ve been so impressed by your many talents and skills, I’m sure it’s hard to choose a favorite. Luckily, I have a feeling you’ll be able to keep dabbling and stretching yourself in each area and gain even more areas of expertise. This was fun to look back on the many years of growth. I’m always happy to help you if you have more questions. xo. Marta Dansie

Describe education and career path. My education took some twists and turns and looks different than I had once hoped. I finished a couple years at the U of U. I took communications and health and family consumer science courses (which I loved). However, I spent most of my time in the Arts building, working on prerequisites to apply for the Graphic Design program. I loved Art History class and the 2D and 3D art classes stretched me in new ways. I was exposed to creative mediums I had never tried before. I loved my artsy classmates, from all walks of life, who worked long hours in the Art building. I took Photoshop software classes and worked on building my portfolio. I looked forward to learning more about graphic design and hoped I would be accepted. My husband, Dan was applying for law schools at that same time. He received good news of acceptance to a law school in California while I was denied entrance to the graphic design program; my portfolio needed work. Now that I know better, I realize it lacked a cohesive theme running through each piece. 

We moved to California and I looked for work to support Dan. I submitted that same portfolio for a graphic design position at a big printing firm called Kenny the Printer. By some small miracle, I got the job and received a baptism by fire, learning graphic design on the job. They must’ve been very desperate to fill the position. I learned a lot that year, my co-workers were very patient with my shortcomings. I think back to that year and am grateful I learned how to design something from scratch and send it to print. I learned the importance of CMYK colors, high resolution images, getting approval signatures from clients and creating vector images. I worked there for a year and decided to start my own freelance business, working from home, once we moved home to Utah. I’ve been self-taught ever since!

How did you choose graphic design. I have loved magazines and note cards my whole life. My cousin and I were pen pals at a young age and I enjoyed finding the best stationery for our correspondence. I’ve always been drawn to typography on signage and into fonts and how they paired up. I love how something like a logo can say so much about a business, even down to the paper it’s printed on. These choices all add up to create a story about what that business wants to be. I liked collage work and scrapbooking. I thought learning how to format items on a page would help me make books and writing was a passion too. My sister needed assistance designing Opa’s books, and I needed a job as a newlywed, so it fell into my lap. She painstakingly helped me learn the basics of layout and design. I owe her a lot for being so patient. 

Would you change anything to get into this career. I would’ve liked to finish school, however I think learning as I went was also incredibly helpful. I was ashamed that I was a “drop-out” for a long time and realize now it’s okay that I made different choices and supported my husband in the process. I would’ve been easier on myself knowing that plenty of people find their passion in unique ways. When I was building the portfolio for graphic design, I wish I would’ve chosen a topic or theme that I was passionate about. It would’ve been better executed had I really dug in deep and worked on something that mattered more to me.  I really appreciate artists and wish I was one! Delving deeper into illustration would’ve added another killer ingredient to make the graphic design work more special. 

How has graphic design changed since I started. Social media has changed graphic design! There are so many apps and templates available now. We had to create everything from scratch. I am grateful for YouTube. Since I am self taught, everytime I’m stuck with an issue, I can google it now and receive immediate help! The programs continue to improve, it’s fun to continue to learn new things in Photoshop, InDesign and Illustrator. I love the big, wide world of graphic design and how easily you can find fellow designers through social media. Collaborating with other artists (I’ve never met) is one of my favorite newer things that I’ve enjoyed. 

 Is there anything about your job that surprises people? I’m not sure what might surprise someone. It is funny that I have a handful of clients I have never met. The majority of the time I create something for someone, have it printed in another state and have the print shop deliver it straight to my client. I don’t get to actually see the printed piece! This is only after years of building trust with both my client and this print shop to know it’s gonna be high quality work. 

Another surprising thing is how I get inspired. I will see wallpaper, a child’s drawing, typography on a bus or a clothing catalogue and find it super inspiring. How it’s placed or the colors used will provoke me to create something. I like that circle of inspiration, go go going forward.

What type of people do you work with? One of the best things about being a freelance designer is getting to work with the people I want to work with. At first, I said yes to anyone who was willing to pay me! Now, I can really hone in on the type of clients I want. If I can tell that a client seems high maintenance or impossible to please, I can say no and direct them to another fellow designer. I have the pleasure of working with awesome people. I choose to surround myself with people who are thoughtful, artistic and creative which makes me so happy. 

There is a customer for every budget and I’ve weaned the clients who don’t want to pay my prices and customers who don’t understand why paper goods are important! I love commissioning other illustrators as well. I  work with artists who want to sell their goods at craft fairs and need help with prints, labels, packaging and business cards. I find a lot of joy supporting small businesses, entrepreneurs and handmade artisans, so bouncing ideas off each other is worth gold. Gaining a network of creatives who share ideas and resources has been the key to any success I’ve had. I highly recommend finding your people, the kind who aren’t jealous but are the enthusiastic, cheerleading type. This is what every small business owner needs. 

One of my very best friends is what one might call direct competition. She emailed me after following my blog for awhile. We are moms running graphic design businesses out of our homes, we have similar aesthetic tastes, we both create paper goods and work with a variety of clientele. However, instead of jealousy, she created this thoughtful environment of sharing ideas and building each other up. She fawns over and emails me the links to the coolest scripty fonts, the best printers in town, and letterpress inspiration. We often help each other when we are stuck - designwise. We have discussed pricing, printing woes, problem clients and given each other plenty of advice - usually in the wee hours. I’ve been amazed that this friendship has only grown and never felt competitive. It’s one of the best things I’ve learned in my life. 

Describe a typical day of work. I am first and foremost a mother, so I am usually busy doing mom tasks for the most part. However, I carve out time to do emails and work at the computer for a few hours. After lunch I will work and then after bedtime, I get back to work. I squeeze in emails here and there. In my busy season, I have to stay up late or get up early to have quiet time to work. I am usually balancing many clients at once and they are all at different points in their projects. I will be in final revisions with one client, corresponding on the inspiration board of another client and sending files to print and emailing new clients along the way. Sending invoices and purchasing royalties to commercial clip-art is constant as well. I’ve been upping my game with posting on Instagram in my down time. Once a quarter I’ll photograph my own paper goods, which takes me a full day to shoot and edit and prep them for Instagram posts. I enjoy this type of photoshoot work, otherwise I’d outsource it. I like that I can figure out how to balance my work and take on as many clients as I feel I can handle. Even though taxes, invoicing and the nitty gritty is never fun - it is an important part of the job that can’t go ignored. 

Has Covid changed my job at all?  Thankfully no. One of my busy seasons is fall, gearing up for the holidays and more clients have reached out to me this year which is amazing. I think everyone is craving season’s greetings and sending well wishes to all their loved ones. People are also being generously thoughtful in choosing to support small businesses at this time. I feel so grateful! My kids are homeschooling because of Covid, so finding any alone time to work has been more difficult this year - but locking myself in my room while my husband takes over in the evening has been helpful. I’m grateful for a partner who has supported me in my business since day one!

What do I need to know to be a graphic designer? (I could go on and on about this question!) You’ll need skills in Adobe software. We all have our comfort zones, but knowing InDesign, Illustrator and Photoshop has served me well. For instance, you would build a logo for a billboard in Illustrator, you’d do fine detail work on images with Photoshop and create a cookbook or multi-page pamphlet with InDesign. They each have their solid strengths and knowing which one will provide the best end result is helpful. You’ll need to learn how to finalize each product; usually graphic designers are the middle men. Clear communication with clients is key. Are they putting the final image on a t-shirt or a skateboard? Do they need it for a website or a business card? I often find myself problem-solving for  clients and knowing which type of artwork file my client needs in the end is the solution. Dabble around in what you like best; formatting books, making logos, website work, doing product design, etc. I think eventually creating a niche for what you prefer to design is the best way to go about finding your favorite clientele. 

Another important skill is knowing how to take feedback well. Learn to know that not everyone has your exact same aesthetic and be willing to lean in an opposite direction for your client’s tastes - not your own. Once you build up enough work, you will start pulling in clients that like your work and appreciate the type of design you do best! You’ll need to put yourself out there and be willing to drum up business, post on social media and charge your friends (or offer trades) for your design work. It’s awkward at first, but it helps with your mindset to take your business seriously.

Is it necessary to graduate with a degree in graphic design? No, definitely not. However I think the education would be extra helpful tools in your toolbox; the more experience you have with graphic designing, the better! A design firm is more likely to hire someone with a degree and killer portfolio. No one has ever asked me to see a diploma (phew!), however they do want to see what I’ve designed in the past. 

What skills or practices have you learned from your job that have positively impacted your life? Time management. Making tight deadlines! Clear and transparent communication with clients. I’m so much better at responding to emails rather than ignoring them. Knowing I’m not for everyone and that’s okay. Pushing myself to make goals and work to achieve them. Showing my kids that I run my own business and work hard. Knowing if the breadwinner in our family loses his job, I have the skills to earn and provide. Running in the same circles as other like-minded small business owners makes me happy; we are all cheering each other on. Looking for inspiration everywhere and getting paid for being creative is really wonderful too.

What’s your end goal for your career? I look more at this career as a side hustle or fun hobby that makes a little money. I am not a big dreamer in that way, however I do think it would be neat to write, design and publish a book someday. I used to crave to be discovered or gain fame in some way and now know that fame is not shiny or very glamorous. I am glad I can do little design jobs as they come and fiddle with personal projects here and there. I love finding beauty in the ordinary and that’s what I’ve come to enjoy in my own work. No one else needs to think it’s ultra fabulous - if my client and I am pleased with it, that can be enough.

Do you expect your job to change within 5 years? Yes and no. I think the basics will stay the same however I think the trajectory is headed for more social media presence and websites for growing businesses. More shortcuts for creating graphic design pieces will come about, but having your own toolkit and knowledge of building graphics from scratch will always be helpful. Hard work will never go out of style. I think it will be a popular field of interest, however the opportunities are endless. I think people will crave a unique and artistic voice, because we will be inundated with the templates and the color palettes that get overused. True, artistic taste and an unapologetic one is always more interesting to look at.

What is the hardest / least favorite thing about your job? The business-ey stuff like taxes and making sure I don’t spend more than I earn is not my favorite. Invoicing clients and figuring out how much to charge took a long time to get right. Figuring out what your time is worth and asking for it is hard! I also find it tough when I feel stuck and need to start over or if I have a super picky client. Sometimes it is like mind-reading, hoping to know what they want! People are passionate about their businesses and need their logo to be just right; so pulling out a lot of details and information is helpful. Tight deadlines on big projects have given me many sleepless nights, but the feeling of accomplishment helps ease the pain. 

What is my favorite part of the job? I love creating something that didn’t exist before. I enjoy listening to a client’s needs and then designing something they are really pleased with! I love packaging orders with extra care. I love building a client’s main logo and then morphing it in new, yet cohesive ways within their printed materials so it all works together. I really love sharing ideas and talking business with other small business owners. I love discovering cool new illustrators all over the world and buying the rights to their work and utilizing it on my own. I enjoy pushing myself to get better in certain areas or make mini goals for my work. I love that I can do it at my own pace, take on the clients I want and shut it down if I need to. I love working from home and having the freedom to put my kids’ needs first. It is kind of a dream job for my situation. I feel so lucky!

Sunshine between the slats

I have a vivid memory of sitting on my dad's lap at church as a little girl; rolling his tie up into a tight cinnamon roll beneath his chin. Then I'd let go and the neat patterned fabric would race down his chest to my delight. I'll never know if this was endearing or an annoyance to him, as he was likely distracted from the Sunday messages given. I don't recall any kind of frustration on his part, as he'd let me roll his tie repeatedly. I've learned that the phrase warms my heart is actually a thing that feels real when thoughts like this bubble up in my vulnerable state. Tender father and daughter memories have been popping up clearly in my mind since my dad passed away in August. Immediately following his death, I relived his last days and weeks and months again and again in my mind's eye since they were filled with miracles and mercies (as well as so much unbelief that he was really gone). Recently though, I have been looking back on my childhood and his fathering ways with brand new eyes.

My own little girl turned three last month. Amusingly sweet and entertaining quips come out of her mouth daily. I am often alone with her nonstop (mostly coherent) chatter at mealtimes, story time or nap time when these adorable remarks come streaming out. I smile at her, praise her, laugh aloud, and often text Dan the funny things his darling daughter has come up with. She likes naming all the people who live in our home and sweetly reports, "we are a family!" She remembers her manners and randomly tells me, "Thank you mommy!" / "This is delicious, mom!" / "I sure love you, mom!" / "I'm a good maker!" (After she bakes with me and licks the beater.) One quiet afternoon while I was busy in another room, she was playing pretend with her little kitchen. I heard her knocking on the bathroom door - which she had just closed and no one was in. I later learned she'd made a pretend pie, with a tiny pot containing the only ingredient, a green plastic pear. She knocked again and left it next to the door, on the hardwood floor of the hallway. I hear her softly musing to herself, "They're not home, so I'm gonna leave it on the doorstep. They'll have a lovely surprise when they get home!"

Sometimes - no - all the time, I feel guilt that I haven't written down the classic sayings my children have said, the hilarious tales they tell and all the good, thoughtful and even naughty acts they've done. I had a quiet moment of reflection while sitting on my daughter's bed the other afternoon. She sat up real close to me with a peaceful, contented gaze; a possible approach to prolong nap time and she inspected my ears, my eyes, wrinkles, freckles and my mouth. As mothers tend to do, I thought what a golden moment this was and intentionally appreciated it; the afternoon sun warmed my toes through the blinds and the sun made shadows across the stack of storybooks she'd chosen. I thanked God my children are healthy and happy and we have a home so full of love and laughter. I felt the truth of my charmed existence right then. All is not right in the world, but all was right in our world. I knew Claire wouldn't remember that specific moment we shared together and how much my heart was bursting with love for her and her brothers. I felt so grateful and in love with my little simple life.

It gently dawned on me, as I watched the beautiful dust particles dance through the slats of sunshine, my dad would've had moments like this with me and all my siblings. And he would've scooped it all into his heart. So many memories packed into his parenting satchel that I can't even remember. All the parenting duties, huge sacrifices, clean-ups, squabbles and forgivenesses, chit chats, long road trips, family meals, errand runs, explanations, the listening and the endless acts of patience.. the thousands of moments wherein he was instilling his love, his encouragement, his support, and his confidence in me that live within me that I cannot even remember. How lucky and blessed am I? I am well aware that having a father who is present and loving and nurturing and wonderful is a rare and wonderful gift. I think of the millions of moments you wish you could thank them for on Father's Day that you can't conjure up the right words for. Knowing these moments between us existed gives me lots of comfort.

That overwhelming love that you feel for someone in your life who is irreplaceable. The love that spills over all of us while we cry and mourn and miss him. In my heart of hearts I sometimes wonder and hope and cry, I hope he knew how much I truly loved him... (and admired him... and respected him and wanted so much to be like him). Did I say it enough? Did he know? Because in the end (as clichéd as it sounds) love is what matters. That is what holds. And a dear friend Hilary, wisely advised me as I sobbed to her over brunch (as you do with dear friends), "I am sure he knew how you felt. You two had a beautiful relationship, working together and so on.. but he knows even more clearly now. He still knows how you feel." What soothing words for my aching soul. Yes, yes indeed. I believe it is so!

Today is Easter and the holiday feels more meaningful than ever before. My faith in Jesus Christ has felt much more personal since my dad died. I am striving to understand why death is such a big part of our earthly experience and why people have to suffer and feel the depth of loss and sadness. I know Christ lives and I know He felt all the pains of the world. I also have learned heaven is not too far away. I feel my dad's spirit and feel that he is content and at peace and doing good things in the afterlife. I am so excited to see him again. His presence on earth is deeply missed; family parties are different, our whole lives are different now. The hole he left in our hearts is wide. Some days I feel sadness sweep over and crash me down like an ocean wave on the sunniest of days. And then I get back up and feel fine again, it's a strange cycle but it is teaching me more about life (and what matters) than I understood before. I will end with a few of my favorite quotes by our dear prophet.

"We can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life."

 "Without our Redeemer’s infinite Atonement, not one of us would have hope of ever returning to our Heavenly Father. Without His Resurrection, death would be the end. Our Savior’s Atonement made eternal life a possibility and immortality a reality for all. I testify that He is the living Christ—our Lord and Savior, Redeemer, Exemplar, and Judge. Thanks to Him, no condition is hopeless. Brighter days are ahead, both here and hereafter."
- President Russell M. Nelson

The Lord said, "Fear not even unto death; for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full.” (D&C 101:36.)

Switching gears and changing lanes

On the last day of the year in 2018, I received an incredibly helpful piece of advice at a New Year's Eve party. It came by way of chatting with a real writer, a friendly woman named Ruth, who I had met just hours earlier. She recently found out her novel is going to be published! Wow. I felt so happy for her. Truly! What a huge feat. That's the coolest. I grilled her with writer-y questions and (gasp) confided that I too like to write. (Hmmm. Inner monologue eye roll. You may as well be telling her you are a tennis player. Haven't picked up a racket nor a pen in forever. No, more like, foreeeeevvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeerrrrrrr.) In our chatting I became enthused that I could / should practice writing again. Yet another nudge for me to write stuff down. Well-meaning, dear friends have been telling me to do so for a few months now. I've brushed them off. Funny when a perfect stranger's advice can waken your senses more than your own mother's (husbands, best friends, siblings, etc). Or more like, a perfect stranger gives you advice in a similar vein to what your own mother has been saying all along, and you perk up and take it for what its worth. Humans are funny creatures. (Other lessons: Listen to your mother. Moms can never win. Also, moms never get the credit. Moms are the best. Moms always know.)

Still at this very low point of my writing career (ha. career. as if.), I still think about writing. Almost daily. More than I ever think about playing tennis. Doesn't that count for something? Like a nagging younger sibling, wearing a ball cap backwards and an unhitched strap on her overalls, my wannabe-written-words want attention. In recent years I've programmed myself to ignore the urge to write anything down. Nap. Dishes. Scroll Instagram. Bathe. Read. Podcast. Laundry. Mrs. Maisel. Seinfeld. Meghan Markle news. Bake. Organize a cupboard or two. Rearrange furniture. Of course none of these activities are as satisfying as having written. Like scanning the channels even when there is nothing good on. Its a numbing way of distraction. Distraction of actually caring to put real thought into something. I've sometimes thought, as the writers-guilt gnaws away at me - usually while I try to fall asleep - it's an odd habit to try to will away something you actually want to do. My inner monologue rolls its eyes as I have these cliche writer chit chats to myself. Writers angst; as if this were a real problem in life. I can go on and on. And I have. (Did I do too many research projects on Vincent van Gogh as a teen? Am I this narcissistic / dramatic by nature or nurture?) A brilliant sparkly essay idea comes to me in the morning and I'll have talked myself into, and finally, out of writing it by lunchtime. It's a slow kind of torture we Creatives know well. I'm using that term loosely. (At least I remember how to spell loose vs. lose. Pet peeve.)

To continue lamenting, I've now curated an automatic response of pushing ideas far far down; the corners of a duvet into their cover. Last summer I searched high and low for the best duvet and coordinating duvet cover that had strings and loops which I could then tie up those corners into their places for safekeeping. No wiggling out of place. Stay put. A sure promise that at least one thing in my life was in control. Double knotted duvet. Stay in your lane. Dan was excited to learn this phrase the other day. I smiled to myself as he mentioned it (because I relish in the times when I know things before he does - it's a rare treat) and agreed. Yes, 'stay in your lane' is an extra handy phrase to keep in one's back pocket. Whether it be an athlete tweeting a response to the current President of the United States or a harmless jab in a bit of banter, it is a clever little comeback. (Or maybe a sassy judgement call that I have no business offering.)

One, I realize, am often telling myself in one way or another. Cornering myself into my current situation with a tight knot - no hope of slipping to freedom of maybe, possibly, trying out another 'lane' in life. Staying in your lane comes with benefits, I suppose. Comfort Zones feel so good. I've molded to my lane and my lane has molded to me. Stick to what you know, what you're doing, what your habits are. Stick right here. Remain status quo. Just keep doing what you're doing. No progress, no problem. No rocking the boat. Stay in your lane. Mind your own business. Don't try to think outside the box or push yourself in any way, shape or form. Progress, evolution, improvement... it is for other people.

This has been what I've been telling myself unconsciously. To be honest, my lane isn't doing anything for me anymore. Like the worn out bra that has lost its elasticity and therefore, all its function. The bra that has faded into a useless morning ritual rather than a helpful undergarment. It's time for change. I've been feeling it in my bones and all signs have been nudging me to go ahead and get out of this lane. So when I was chatting with this warmly open Ruth, over plastic cups of rice pudding on New Year's Eve, it resonated again. Another nudge.

Write your second book first.

Wait, tell me again. I heard her the first time. I just liked every word she just said so much. She had just opened my pandora's box. The advice had been discussed during a session of her monthly Writing Club. Yes, yes, of course. Making perfect sense in my mind; the first book has all the weight and pressures to succeed. All your life's courage poured into the pages of that first book. It can't possibly measure up to what you've deemed a first book should / could be. The wish to write and fear of doing so has bullied me into a tight corner. Not writing is easier than writing. Completely frustrating for someone who needs to write - yes, but easier than switching lanes, creating new habits, being courageous, switching gears, stomping out fear, and practicing rough drafts. And getting up early to make time for the thing you want to do most. I'm tucking this rough draft into my blog and promise to wake up early and write again. And again. And again. Until I'm in a new lane I hardly recognize. 2019, I'm counting on you.

lately.

insta love. #campbaby
we've been camping.
we lit army tank fireworks.
summer is running past fast.
seth is almost one. i can hardly believe it.
he is so smiley and toothy and red-headed.
life feels so good.
i am picking up drawing again.
and trying not to be so hard on myself.
i am staying up late working on my new shop.
it's going to be stocked full of invitations. i've always dreamt of having a shop full of stationery. here's to making dreams come true. and making the most of the rest of summer vacation.

stay tuned.

lessons from my littles / jumping hurdles without jumping in

boy it's hard to figure out what to blog about these days. admittedly, i am sucked into instagram because it is sooo easy. forget the written word and all the time it takes to jot a post and photoshop pics, here's my cute kids! here is a snapshot with a small caption, and voila, end of story, i can connect with rad people and instagram is an insta-success for a non-socialmedia-mama! but then, there is always a story within every single day. truthfully i wonder how not to blog about my boys. family life, motherhood, daily tasks and life with littles is the main thing i have going. i know i am likely saying the same things again and again, but that's what a lot of motherhood is about. it is hard to think up a subject without thinking of what these boys have taught me recently.

i have a few ongoing design projects, but most of them and are kept hidden until the client wants to debut them.. so anyway my main life is my daily world with my kids (on repeat). in house, outdoors, taking drives, creating outings, making memories and hopefully raising them into kind loving people. so grateful to have a hands-on husband to help me along this parenthood route. i try to remember what benji says and jot his hilarious statements down in my favorite little quote book of his. four is all about growing, learning new things, testing limits and being sweeter than pie. he prays often and has such a sincere relationship with God. it's no wonder he teaches me so much. i really feel that children are here to give us new eyes and gain new insights if not a completely new perspective. i've been known to say that two kids has flipped my world upside down. in the best way possible, of course.

today i stopped and looked at them with new eyes. this happens almost once a day. they teach me so much. seth is learning to crawl. more specifically he is perfecting the plank position. it's really amazing to watch. he gets on his hands and knees, in a classic crawl and then switches to plank and drops to scoot himself around on his belly in an army crawl. i marvel that he has to learn the hard way. he has to drag himself through the motions until he learns the easier way through. isn't that how life is?! isn't that the way we learn from our mistakes? we learn the hard way and with practice, we get better and better and suddenly we realize all that dragging through life's challenges was only strengthening us. and, although benji is trying hard to teach seth how to crawl properly, no one can do it for him. seth has to learn on his own. so very true with life. we must learn and grow and figure out problems and develop our talents by ourselves. we have to go through the process to better ourselves. this is the golden part of life. even though it's so tough to watch. aren't your most valuable moments in life after coming through a trial?! isn't coping with difficulties the method of sculpting stronger souls; molding us into who we are?! as a mother i want to hurry his progress and help him crawl because i know it will be a lot less frustrating for him; but i know better. i know this is one of many hurdles he has to conquer on his own. so we clap and praise and holler and hug. we do all we can to help him help himself. a lesson i will surely be learning again and again as a mama.

benji has taken on the roll of big brother with great courage. he is such a good helper and is so very patient with our latest addition. he always creates stories about two brothers whenever he is imagining up a new tale. he is confident and happy and quick to forgive. i am so grateful he loves to be obedient. always trying to do what's right. seth loves him so much, what a joy it is to have a brother. however i know it must be hard to be four and learn about the bigness of life; the rules of right and wrong and figuring out how to be brave and honest and good and thankful and polite and know when and where ninja moves are appropriate. controlling our tempers and eating our vegetables and becoming an understanding and empathetic individual takes practice. practice is easier to come by with a little brother scooting around getting into our things. although i've tried with all my heart not to place too much older brother pressure on him, i know he must feel it. his life has changed in such a big way. he shares his mom and dad now. thankfully children are so wholesome and good, he wouldn't ever think to keep us only for himself. the only way children know how to love, is completely and wholly. i praise him and hug him and thank him for all he does. i do what i can to say you're awesome to go through this huge transition with a smile.

tonight my favorite thing happened. benji, all on his own, sang his baby brother to sleep. i waited in the darkened hallway–nearing their door, about to come to the rescue–when i heard him kindly solving the problem with a song. i stood motionless, not daring to move or creak the floorboards beneath my feet. i melted into a puddle as benji's primary song, i like to look for rainbows, calmed seth down immediately. and then they both fell back asleep in their room. i wanted to burst in and hug them both and tell them thank you for being such good boys. but i knew i would ruin the moment (and wake them both up)! another moment for me as a mama to stay by the sidelines and cheer. i silently thanked God for my many blessings and all the lessons i'm learning day by day.


benji loves baking with mama | seth perfects his plank in our hotel room

become as little children | inspiration: here, here and here. 

25 happy things. go.

opening mail has never been so fun.

+ warm enough to don the onesie without pants. (on seth–indoors–that is.)
+ we took a spontaneous (and successful!) family photo the other morning right before church. we were all wearing a touch of green. we grabbed a neighbor, click and bam: a decent family portrait. yay.
+ daffodils are (nearly) blooming like crazy. this makes me so happy since all our flowers died so miserably at the end there last year.
+ made vats of italian tomato, artichoke and sausage soup for a church function. the house smelled divine. i figured i would have tons leftover.. not even one bowl.
+ working on three design projects concurrently. it's good to get my feet wet again.
+ one of them has me squealing; a little marta calligraphy (can i call it that?!) letterpressed! i've only seen late night cell phone pics of them so far, but i'm dying over it. can't wait to reveal our collaborative efforts.
+ a very happy thing; texting other freelance mamas in the wee hours to discuss ideas, give pats on backs and virtual high fives.
+ planning an epic weekend in vegas with this little lady. (have you seen her new site?!) planning a trip (and where to eat!) is half the fun.
+ my taxes are (almost) done!
+ my favorite flipflops are back in business. (they are an investment; but they last and last and last.)
+ meanwhile benji is still wearing his boots to go biking. i had to remind him about crocs! oh the love of kiddie crocs in the summertime.
+ o.p.i. elephantastic pink fingernails.
+ a new belgium waffle & frittes place just opened up next door to my gym. talk about living dangerously.
+ last saturday we spring cleaned the garage. seriously, we were so proud of ourselves.
+ easter is right around the corner. planning egg hunts galore.
+ discovered a new fabulous font: Belluccia. gorgeous.
+ i finally fit into old pre-baby tops. hello peter pan collars. nothing like shopping the closet.
+ i braved up and went to zumba. felt like a fool. but a happy dancin' fool.
+ ate two homemade eclairs with the kitchen staff at said church function. i love the behind-the-scenes chit chat. p.s. anyone else tempted to run to target for the new JT album?
+ this body scrub smells amazing. admittedly that store can be annoying. just focus. run in, run out. you won't regret it.
+ glad the bachelor's over. oh man, that show. now i can have my mondays back.
+ met old friends jer and mallory for some authentic thai. more coconut curry, yes please.
+ finally cashed in a gift certificate from my birthday for a facial. happy belated to me.
+ counting the days to the field trip to the aquarium. benji is beside himself with glee.
+ the other morning i went with dan's grandma and mother to our favorite local bindery, Schaffer's. it's a true mom / pop shop, the best bindery in town. bernice, age 95, chose the hue of cloth for her book cover and picked between gold and silver foiling for the title and spine. (we're printing 50 life histories!) this kind of thing made me remember how awesome it is to create something from scratch. especially for people you love a lot. seth was a rockstar and slept in his carseat the whole time. three cheers for learning to juggle priorities.

february is one of my favorites. / and a disclaimer.

waiting for mama to get ready for church, benji hangs out in the newly-painted living room. 

oh my, there is a lot of catching up to do.

disclaimer. i must admit, for better or worse, i no longer feel so attached to this blog that i have to keep it up to date on every single happening in life. it's a bit of a relief to know that i don't have to blogument every detail, as i once felt was necessary. having two kids and a home to take care of has put things in perspective for me. it has forced me to put first things first. it's good to look at the bigger picture. the other night my cousin asked if i missed blogging (regularly). i used to think about, plan out and check stats of my blog constantly. i was obsessed with google reader, gaining hits and making sure i was savvy enough to be a legit genuine blogger. being a blogger was my thing for awhile. i have (obviously) completely let that go. it feels good, sad in some ways that my organized scheduled neat post-it life has become chaotic and messy. but it is chaotic and messy in the best way and i'm trying to embrace it. i love the freedom of not trying to be a mass blogger and–instead–just do what i do, when i can and spill my words when they come. thanks for riding the wave with me. my dear mama-friends tell me that my feelings of being on a rollercoaster ride is pretty normal with baby numero dos. thank goodness for girlfriends and sistas who can pat me on the back and encourage me!

here are the recent details i'd hate to forget.
+ we (whit and i) painted the front room. this is the fifth room we've painted! we are sneaky; it was a surprise for dan's birthday. the best gift ever. he was shocked (and super happy). he loves benjamin moore revere pewter, so we slathered it on. it took a village (babysitters, helpers, secret keepers etc.), but we did it!

+ the boys were sick last week and in my arms the entire time. oh man, i hate it when something creeps up on us. fortunately i love their pediatrician! she is getting to know us (and benji's bear!) quite well. am realizing (once again) that motherhood is not for wimps!  it's the best job ever. and the most exhausting, full-time, round-the-clock job there is. so happy they're feeling better. better enough to get a temporary pirate ship tattoo placed on cheek and worn to church. yep, i would've done about anything to make him smile. use up all the band-aids for fun? check. puppet shows? check. extra bubbley baths? check. endless silly stories? check. letting him eat whatever he wants as long as his apetite is back? yes sir. remembering just how little and sweet and precious they are?! check, check.

+ valentine's in full swing. cupcake decorating, envelopes sealed with kisses and garlands hung. (the amour garland was made by my friend, sue!! she printed the letters on pages from a vintage dictionary!! darling, right?! how fun to have a friend who surprises me with pretty paper goods.)

+ trying out green eyeshadow (with nude lips) for a wild change. (i am digging MAC lucky green. a pinky paradisco is my usual go-to shade.) benji noticed and mentioned something about an armadillo. since we were walking out the door, i took it as a compliment. how much do you allow your uncensored children's comments dictate what you wear?

+ dan is thrilled with all this crazy snow we've gotten this winter. and his inherited snowblower. i love men and their can-do attitude when it comes to snow. dan turns into a boy, spinning donuts in parking lots. i splurged on a new H&M scarf to hold me over until spring comes. speaking of which, i love how benji comes into the kitchen searching for a snack saying, i'm just looking for something to hold me over. ha! he is his mama's boy.

+ my little man seth celebrated an unbirthday (6 months!!) and is rosy and so smiley. he charms everyone with his hedgehog cheeks and toothy grin. i put him in an orange striped shirt and he was like a blue-eyed little carrot. there is nothing more cheerful.

+ hmm. what else. baking and meal planning and a tad of reading have taken over my spare time. if you can call it that. i have started four new library books at once. this of course reminds me that i want to write a book. which of course reminds me that i can barely write an email. which of course reminds me to tell myself that there is a season for everything. tis the season to mother my boys.

p.s. can we please discuss downton abbey!? am loving it. genius twists and turns. how are you liking this season??

recently / christmas 2012

christmas, christmas time is here. can we even believe it? the countdown is almost done! i hope you and yours are enjoying a cozy, warm christmas season. this month we've crunched in a lot of christmas-ing. we've enjoyed creating christmas traditions within our home. we got a stubby little tree from home depot! benji's pick. i fed seth while dan and benj decorated. the girls got in on the annual cousins candlelight party and we took our boys to the christmas lights on temple square. i have done a lot of secret christmas shopping with seth in tow. we've been addressing envelopes and drinking my favorite fancy hot chocolate (the ticket kitchen shop!). we've hung out with santa. present wrapping and singing carols (loud, for all to hear). we attended benji's first preschool nativity program (he was the innkeeper)! had a little dinner party (a good excuse for using christmas dishes!) and served cheesy pull-apart breadsticks. a trip to anthropologie makes the season bright. among other dishes, i cooked my first real turkey! dan was so excited, i put it in the fridge with a gift tag on it saying, to dan, love your wifey. the fridge is stocked with ham and homemade cranberry sauce, and gravy! my first gravy! and a pot of turkey noodle soup with homemade noodles. (come visit. we have food. ha!) we've had game night (yay quirkle) with friends and eaten rice pudding (i look forward to it all year long). oohing and ahhing over pretty christmas cards. i even glittered snowflakes with my nieces and later, bundled up for a family date night to park city (a cozy bookstore, some window shopping and pizza too).

a four year old makes christmastime magic and his little brother is getting his first tooth!! he is the happiest baby i know; smiling at everyone and drooling like crazy. we are still looking forward to: chinese take-out on christmas eve. candy gingerbread houses. the christmas story from the bible. remembering Christ and His gift of life eternal. reading favorite stories under a new christmasy quilt (thank you abby and whit)! delivering cookie dough neighbor gifts. more christmas movies. stuffing four stockings! santa claus surprises. and a family reunion to boot (with my entire family. hooray).

hope you have a very merry christmas. xo.

sleep in heavenly peace. / saddened and trying to be hopeful.

i am so saddened and horrified about the elementary school shooting. my mind keeps wandering to those sweet little children, their teachers, the heroes among them and all that happened today. i watched 20/20 and learned how one young teacher shuttled her first grade students into a tiny bathroom and told them they had to wait for the good guys to come. she said that everything would be okay, she told them that she loved them. she wanted that to be the last thing they heard if they were to die. she wanted them to know that they were loved. thankfully, they survived.

i am so heartbroken and frustrated that bad horrifying things happen to good people; innocent little children anticipating christmas day. however, i am uplifted hearing stories like these that there are those shining examples that stand up and light the path when darkness hits. i know those children who were killed will be with God. i know they are in a safe and happy place. i know there is life after death. i know their parents will see them again someday. i know families are forever.

i've been struggling to think positively and be brave and think happy thoughts. i've been wondering how i'll ever let my children out of my sight. i wonder if can buy them a bubble for christmas. if i could, i might like to put them in one and never let anything bad ever happen to them. of course, i realize if i did that.. nothing good would ever happen to them either. it is hard enough being a mom. days like today make it even harder. 

when i am ever feeling down, these amazing (true story) messages always put things in perspective for me. i am strengthened by them (pick a topic and find one to watch). perhaps they will help you too. am praying for those in pain and hugging my littles tighter than before. we are so blessed to have each other.

three men and a little lady.

my three men / sun valley 2012. 

did anyone else watch this tom selleck / ted danson hit on repeat during their childhood? i should do a research paper about the movies that i've loved in my lifetime. i never could figure out what i should write research papers about. in my younger years, i would moan and groan with my head on the dining room table while my mother rattled off suggestions on what i should write about. then i would come up with my own lame ideas like GRAFFITI. honestly, i once wrote a huge research paper about graffiti. my writing style and stubbornness hasn't changed. but i do come up with great topics of research papers that will never be written. (if you are in your younger years, please write about topics that matter to you.. or will be helpful in your future. parenting! the benefits of breast-feeding! why lard is important for pie crust! sticking to a budget! couponing!! how to be an awesome wife–interviews from wise women in your life included! if you need more ideas, email me. or my mom.) anyway.

being the youngest of seven, i had rich taste in movies at an early age. i was watching ferris beuler's day off and dirty dancing after elementary school. i loved goldie hawn in overboard and had (have) troop beverly hills completely memorized. three men and a baby was just awesome. and so was mr. mom. ooh, i loved that show. i was big into big business too. is it strange for an eight year old to love bette midler so much? don't even get me started on beaches. i made my mother-in-law watch it with me when we lived with her last year. last year, people. oh and what about parent trap, and then parent trap II and III when hayley mills was the grandma and there were those triplets in hawaii.. the same actress that also later had the biker chick role in the senior year season of saved by the bell. (how many years were they at bayside high exactly?) are you still with me here? this post was not intended to be about movies. that's what happens when you title a piece before you write it. i'm strictly against that. looks like i've let my rule completely slip.

and now there's seth crying. okay. must go. this is hilarious. my life is so choppy. like meg ryan's haircut in you've got mail. my beloved boys post is going to have to wait. i was going to say how much fun it is having two little ones underfoot. how crazy busy it is. how i feel like i'm juggling a circus act. i love them so much. and they think i'm so entertaining! seth is laughing now and benji is saying the most hilarious things these days. we make up random games and he loves to play cowboys and indians. or lego cowboys and indians. these days, everything cool starts with the word lego. those marketing geniuses have figured it out! okay. better go snuggle my little elves. thanks for listening.

continue on with your christmas-ing.

thanksgiving, in the making / early prep

man. thanksgiving is so close. i am so excited. we did a lot of prep work around here. i wore my apron all day long and the kitchen smelled amazing, thanks to the orangey olive oil and a sprinkling of rosemary on the ciabatta cubes. (the heavenly scent was my reward for making a giant mess.) i did a lot of cutting, chopping and toasting and crying (over onions) and did two rounds of dishes with more currently soaking. i am tweaking my stuffing recipe and figuring out how to feed it to 25 people. it may end up with four types of bread in it. i decided to make up martha's buttermilk cornbread muffins while my kitchen was still a disaster. (we're having chili the night before thanksgiving and–if there are leftover muffins–they are headed into my stuffing. yay.) i'm taking notes on the recipe. after this much work, it better be epic.

okay, tons more to do before i hit the hay tonight.
happy thanksgiving.

i am thankful for my little boys. for health and strength. for our nice friends and our warm home. for our huge extended families. for internet and for a washer and dryer. for a car that works and a bed to sleep in. for the power of loving someone and letting it change you. for good gel pens, pretty ribbon and a collection of tags and wrapping paper tucked underneath the stairs. for curiosity and books. for libraries! for orange chicken and fried rice. and mcdonald's dollar sodas for those crazy days. for seasons and preschool songs and funny happenings that i want to remember forever. for bubble baths and piles of laundry. for spontaneous talks with a stranger at a park. for making a connection. for sparks flying. for first date butterflies. for knowing someone so well you can finish their sentences and eat off their plate. for a husband who never complains and loves me endlessly; so grateful we have each other in this life and the next. for siblings. for socks. for a thermostat to argue over. just like my folks did. for quilts piled high. for childhood memories and smells that take me back to them. for letters and lipstick. for patagonia fleeces and dansko clogs. for bikes in the garage. (for a garage!) for growing boys. big and strong. for love. and more love. for patience and friendship and understanding and humor and a listening ear.. and all the ones i know who possess these qualities. and let me text them really long wordy texts. for reading late at night and surges of inspiration. for writing things down quick, before they get away. i am thankful. ever thankful for God who gives and gives. He loves us and never quits.

today is ten, eleven, twelve

today i will post an unedited snapshot of me and seth.
look at that hair! and look how tired we both look.
dan always tells me he loves my freckles. (here they are!)
today i will sip some cider.
and walk benji to pre-school.
and then walk him back home after a few hours.
and enjoy crunching the first fallen leaves.
today i will rock my babe and make him smile.
he has the best giant grin. his eyes twinkle, people.
today i will make soup in the crockpot. or maybe chili.
and i'll play pirates with benji.
and discuss costumes.
and read berenstein bears and the spooky old tree.
today i will make my bed. (and maybe nap on it too.)
and wipe the counters.
and sweep the floors.
and maybe catch a little kelly & michael.
i will play catch up with my inbox.
and maybe pull out my winter wardrobe.
which sounds a lot more glamourous than it is.
really it's more like dusting off a giant rubbermaid bin.
today i will wonder if miranda has had that baby!
and launder more clothes.
and maybe fold them during 30 rock.
today i will likely not put on a stitch of makeup.
but i will rake through my hair several times with fingers.
today i'll dive into some design archives for a client.
and perhaps clear off my desk. but not likely.
today i'll try to eat something healthy.
i cut up some broccoli into friendly little tree bites.
experts say that means i'll eat it.
today i will clean out the fridge. because i love a clean fridge.
and i'll marvel at dozens of polished green apples waiting for caramel.
today i'll feed and soothe and rock and repeat.
today i'll wonder about a new book. i'm on a roll.
just finished and thoroughly loved this one and
then quickly read (and laughed my way through) this one too.
we're listening to this lately
and am dying to get out christmas cds.
even though there are cottony cobwebs on the shutters outside.
i love halloween. am so happy it's fall.
enjoy the day, friends.
happy ten, eleven, twelve.

sunday thoughts / mothering two

photography session by jessica haderlie. (read her photography tips here!) 

today our little seth turns two months old. it's mind boggling to me because i feel like we've known him for years. he is getting so big and beautiful. those days when he was sick in the hospital (at just two weeks old!) now seem months long that i was holding him and singing to him and getting to know him. i was praying for him to be well and promising myself that i would never take being a mom for granted. how still that white hospital room was; with no laundry looking over my shoulder, no dishes to groan at, no one else to entertain. just he and me. (and beeping monitors and tubes and and IVs and machines.) i feel so blessed that i could stay the few days by his side while others lovingly tended our big boy benj. what relief i felt to know he was in good hands!

 those moments i bonded with seth and knew this baby was meant for our family. i knew he was a spirit straight from heaven. i had been fearful and anxious and excited about the unknown of a new babe, of having two. how on earth would / could my love double as a mother? my love had been tightly swaddled around benji for four years. i didn't know (and somewhat doubted) i could love another as much. and suddenly, there he was with his curious baby blues and his dark copper hair, right in my lap, and there was the love, unconditionally spilling out of my heart. it unfolded from the tight swaddle; my heart bloomed (just like everyone said it would). the amount of love surprised me just as the shade of his hair did! it came easily; as a gift from God. i know many mothers struggle to love a crying fussy newborn, i realize the ease in loving my babes is truly a blessing.

 as i rocked seth, with his oxygen tubes around him and his little body attached to tangling cords, i knew deep in my heart he'd be okay. i felt thankful this situation wasn't worse; his tests were coming back affirming his good health. he was strong. i wanted so badly for our boys–the whole family of four–to be back home together, creating messes for me to clean up. perhaps those quiet moments in the hospital were preparing me to love the routine of life and be thankful for the cries at night, the constant feeding, the nurturing that is needed (and expected) from a good mom and wife.

being pulled in every direction is something to get used to. being at the hospital with him and nothing else to do made me appreciate all that there is to do at home! all that i get to do! mothering two is a juggling act and every day i congratulate myself on some small accomplishment; we got naps today or i mopped the floor or no one sat in front of the tv like a zombie or both boys are not melting down at the same time! the five o'clock hour seems to be tough; both boys needing me. (and then there's me–still in strange lounge attire–attempting to hunt down a dinner recipe that doesn't require any meat–or chopping, mincing, or assembling–since i forgot to thaw anything..) i am grateful for family (a forgiving one!) and for the opportunity to be a mama. it's the best job i've ever had.

 seth was given his name because we loved how it feels solid, strong and classic. we loved that it comes from scripture and has a heritage of good qualities. wells is his middle name, after my dad. anyone who knows me knows how much my parents mean to me. i could write pages about their incredible qualities that inspire me. i've always hoped (and planned) to name one of my littles after my dad. in his own sweet way, seth lives up to his name and seems like a wise old owl when i look into his eyes.

today was seth's blessing day; which is why i'm feeling so overwhelmed with gratitude and happiness. we celebrated the day with our families. in our church, a priesthood holder–in this case, dan–and other male family members circle around and he offers a prayer, a special blessing to give the baby a name and blessings from Heavenly Father. 

p.s. dan gave me Nie Nie's memoir for my birthday and i cannot put it down. it is an amazing story; with such personal detail about her accident, recovery and family life. it is beautifully written. and captivating. i read it while taking a bath the other night, drained out all the water and still stayed in the tub for a few minutes to finish another chapter! reading about her incredible struggles truly makes me thankful for life.

the best things aren't things. / and some goals.

a date night out with my men (aren't they cute?!) / the copper onion / downtown salt lake

birthdays are my favorite time to resolve to be a new, shiny person.

am planning to
enjoy the best things in life.
figure out how to get this baby weight off.
(any good workout tunes suggestions?)
care more about what i put into my body.
drank a mexican coca cola last night.
it'll be the last one for a long time.
am hoping to write in my diary a lot more often.
for some odd reason, i don't count the blog as real documentation
i ought to print some posts out (anyone successfully done this?)
i need to put pen to paper and write about my life in detail.
i love having written. the actual writing part is hard.
hope to get back into the groove of designing.
in the inbetween times.
am letting go of my house always being clean.
am not going to look at my phone everytime it beeps.
(am not getting a smartphone any time soon.)
more picnic lunches with dan.
more long chats with sisters on the phone.
less time in front of the tv.
more time in front of my kids.
less hurry up, hurry up.
more getting up early.
and eating good healthy breakfasts.
and exercising first thing.
will try not to avoid hard tasks.
i hope to be the type of person i hope my kids will be.
discipline with a lot of love.
go on more date nights! (try new restaurants!)
eat excellent desserts.
read wholesome uplifting books (and blogs) in spare time.
carve out more spare time.
bathe in bubble baths.
feel less guilty about what i haven't gotten to yet.
participate in some kind of athletic event.
support dan in all of his!
learn a new skill.
find ways to make someone smile.
keep building family traditions.
find a lesson in the tough times.
be optimistic!
blog more worthwhile posts.
remember to read scriptures and apply them to my life.
start handmade christmas gifts early (like now).
put more heart and soul into my work (including housework!)
try hard to remember others and serve them.
pray and communicate with God.
be kinder and ready to listen.
make others feel important.
live without regret.
be genuine.
make good decisions. (be more decisive!!)
write sincere thank you notes.

one day older.

portrait by jessica haderlie

today has been rainy and wet. a true fall day; with sweatshirts and soft socks to glide on the hardwood floors. we've had a day inside with cars and legos. whit and wren came, toting lunches to share and lots of chit chat to cheer me from any birthday blues. (i don't remember any birthdays without her!) soon i'm headed out on a hot date with dan. texts and fresh flowers have surprised me today. birthdays are different when you get older, but still just as sweet. benji woke up excited to tell me happy birthday! then immediately asked if i liked scooby doo. we could get you a scooby doo cake, he kindly suggested. to you readers who are so rad, thank you for being my online family. you've made my blogging years super happy.

p.s. my favorite birthday cake and a list of thirty.