Two thousand and seventy posts.

I can hardly believe this will be number 2,070. I've posted a lot throughout the years and yet rarely return to read them. The recipe section has been helpful, although I've succeeded at avoiding the rest. The other posts, I am happy exist, even if I don't want to see them. I hear of celebrities who don't watch the films they star in. Which seems preposterous, but I get it. It feels like a no win situation. I will likely cringe at the sight of most of these essays. Especially the ones that are dripping with self righteous advice or motherly counsel. Gotta love mothering advice from someone who has been a mom all of a year and a half. The posts that are decent, I will feel guilt I abandoned my writing practice so early on. And of course the mom guilt sets in for the fact that there are so many posts about my sweet firstborn, baby Benji and hardly any description about our other two, who are equally as sweet and adorable.

I hope to describe them accurately in future posts as I see they change so rapidly. My heart feels consumed with loving them and knowing them and observing them, the writer in me wants to describe every inch of raising them. I battle with being fully present and also taking constant notes about who they are, what they said, and how they feel so fresh from heaven. Seth, age 6, talks regularly about his Opa and will bring him up in casual conversation without any prompting. I feel like my dad is their guardian angel in a very real way. The way that Opa is in their thoughts more so than ever before makes me think their open, unjaded souls can possibly feel heaven more clearly and closely than I can. (Matthew 18:4 Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.)

I remembering hearing the phrase the more you know, the more you know you do not know. I am beginning to see that within myself more clearly these past few months. Oi vey, I cringe at what I thought I knew. Ignorance really is bliss and childhood is wasted on the young and all that. Perhaps it is harder for me to write these days because of this feeling of not knowing. I feel uncertain in so many subjects and the written word feels so solid. I want to write but also want the ability to erase and make new drafts and not be so harshly judged on the words I put down. Even if it's just me playing the critic.

However I plan to keep posting as I have the past few days - it is a small new habit but I do feel lighter. I feel like this is a good direction for me to go, as I have been quite directionless lately. I have a lot of healing to do and the best way I know how to understand what I am going through is by writing it out. I can only hope and work toward making the next two thousand posts better than the last.

"Ancora Imparo" is famously attributed to Michaelangelo at 88 years of age.
I am still learning.

life doesn't come with a manual, it comes with a mother / video

lessons from my littles / jumping hurdles without jumping in

boy it's hard to figure out what to blog about these days. admittedly, i am sucked into instagram because it is sooo easy. forget the written word and all the time it takes to jot a post and photoshop pics, here's my cute kids! here is a snapshot with a small caption, and voila, end of story, i can connect with rad people and instagram is an insta-success for a non-socialmedia-mama! but then, there is always a story within every single day. truthfully i wonder how not to blog about my boys. family life, motherhood, daily tasks and life with littles is the main thing i have going. i know i am likely saying the same things again and again, but that's what a lot of motherhood is about. it is hard to think up a subject without thinking of what these boys have taught me recently.

i have a few ongoing design projects, but most of them and are kept hidden until the client wants to debut them.. so anyway my main life is my daily world with my kids (on repeat). in house, outdoors, taking drives, creating outings, making memories and hopefully raising them into kind loving people. so grateful to have a hands-on husband to help me along this parenthood route. i try to remember what benji says and jot his hilarious statements down in my favorite little quote book of his. four is all about growing, learning new things, testing limits and being sweeter than pie. he prays often and has such a sincere relationship with God. it's no wonder he teaches me so much. i really feel that children are here to give us new eyes and gain new insights if not a completely new perspective. i've been known to say that two kids has flipped my world upside down. in the best way possible, of course.

today i stopped and looked at them with new eyes. this happens almost once a day. they teach me so much. seth is learning to crawl. more specifically he is perfecting the plank position. it's really amazing to watch. he gets on his hands and knees, in a classic crawl and then switches to plank and drops to scoot himself around on his belly in an army crawl. i marvel that he has to learn the hard way. he has to drag himself through the motions until he learns the easier way through. isn't that how life is?! isn't that the way we learn from our mistakes? we learn the hard way and with practice, we get better and better and suddenly we realize all that dragging through life's challenges was only strengthening us. and, although benji is trying hard to teach seth how to crawl properly, no one can do it for him. seth has to learn on his own. so very true with life. we must learn and grow and figure out problems and develop our talents by ourselves. we have to go through the process to better ourselves. this is the golden part of life. even though it's so tough to watch. aren't your most valuable moments in life after coming through a trial?! isn't coping with difficulties the method of sculpting stronger souls; molding us into who we are?! as a mother i want to hurry his progress and help him crawl because i know it will be a lot less frustrating for him; but i know better. i know this is one of many hurdles he has to conquer on his own. so we clap and praise and holler and hug. we do all we can to help him help himself. a lesson i will surely be learning again and again as a mama.

benji has taken on the roll of big brother with great courage. he is such a good helper and is so very patient with our latest addition. he always creates stories about two brothers whenever he is imagining up a new tale. he is confident and happy and quick to forgive. i am so grateful he loves to be obedient. always trying to do what's right. seth loves him so much, what a joy it is to have a brother. however i know it must be hard to be four and learn about the bigness of life; the rules of right and wrong and figuring out how to be brave and honest and good and thankful and polite and know when and where ninja moves are appropriate. controlling our tempers and eating our vegetables and becoming an understanding and empathetic individual takes practice. practice is easier to come by with a little brother scooting around getting into our things. although i've tried with all my heart not to place too much older brother pressure on him, i know he must feel it. his life has changed in such a big way. he shares his mom and dad now. thankfully children are so wholesome and good, he wouldn't ever think to keep us only for himself. the only way children know how to love, is completely and wholly. i praise him and hug him and thank him for all he does. i do what i can to say you're awesome to go through this huge transition with a smile.

tonight my favorite thing happened. benji, all on his own, sang his baby brother to sleep. i waited in the darkened hallway–nearing their door, about to come to the rescue–when i heard him kindly solving the problem with a song. i stood motionless, not daring to move or creak the floorboards beneath my feet. i melted into a puddle as benji's primary song, i like to look for rainbows, calmed seth down immediately. and then they both fell back asleep in their room. i wanted to burst in and hug them both and tell them thank you for being such good boys. but i knew i would ruin the moment (and wake them both up)! another moment for me as a mama to stay by the sidelines and cheer. i silently thanked God for my many blessings and all the lessons i'm learning day by day.


benji loves baking with mama | seth perfects his plank in our hotel room

become as little children | inspiration: here, here and here. 

easter weekend 2013

easter sunday dinner and egg hunt at amy's home. the teenagers taught benji about trading; their candy for his money. (benji gave up his money willingly without any trade. it was pretty cute.) good thing i have nieces to teach me everything i am missing on instagram, snapchat and youtube. p.s. i laughed my head off at this you forgot the blueberries clip. #thankssophie.


darling easter table. the food was so good, i was too busy eating to photograph.


the golden egg in the exhaust pipe trick.


oma and opa hosted an event to remember: an egg hunt (ears provided), the bunny hop, talent show, an egg roll race (i am dying to photoshop that grass green!) and easter sweets galore. it was warm and sunny and a perfect park day. i love watching benji (and seth!) play with their cousins.


dan provided the glazed maple bacon donuts. they actually tasted pretty good. not sure i ever need one again. admittedly, looking at this photo now makes my stomach a bit squirmish. (the kids thought it was an april fools trick. yuck! bacon!?!)


best easter loot: cool band-aids. genius thinking, mom!


my easter boys in their sunday best. in my opinion, little boys belong in plaid. (i'm gonna have to roll these babes to sears or something to get a decent photo of them together!) bummer i didn't snap a picture of myself yesterday; i was actually dressed properly. ha!

hope you had a happy easter with you and yours. xo.

in honor of st. patty's.

benji playing in puddles | age two | idaho falls.

#growingupwaytoofast

what's the "pot of gold" at the end of your rainbow?

tweedle dee, you are my bright spot.

seth has mastered the airplane stance. how has seven months gone by so quickly? and yet, how has this little tweedle dee not been in my life forever and ever? he is my roly poly little mister at the moment. i love seeing him watch the world as it buzzes by. he marvels at the small movement of his own wrists and loves bouncing on those little wobbly legs while papa holds him. he lights up watching benji do his ninja moves and dance around the house; like an action film on repeat. (benji has become such a helpful boy. not only with the babe but toasting his own bread! working the mixer like a pro, washing his own hands and dressing himself. putting boots and coat away and showing me his pre-school worksheets. he loves playing co-pilot to all of my projects. these boys are growing so fast.) mister seth is cheerful and smiley and chubby and perfect. he's eating mashed fruits and veggies and is sitting up like a proper babe in his high chair. he has the charming baby babble and chuckles when we tickle him. he still loves a tight swaddle for sleeping. seth's blue eyes are deep and his skin so fair. ladies all around still compliment that hair. the big news around here: he's cutting in teeth faster than we can count. five teeth (almost six! we aren't sleeping much!) already. the fangs are especially awesome. my little wolvie.

this car quilt was made especially for benji when he became a big brother. it was such a thoughful gift for when the new addition arrived. now they both love snuggling with it! abby's quilt shop is right here!


seth at seven months old. 

this blue eyed boy has won my heart.

 the little mister. almost six months! 

after meeting all the brown eyed beauties in dan's family (including my own offspring), i never thought i'd have a blue eyed boy. however seth has surprised me from the very beginning. his bright hair (the nurses all oohed and ahhed!), his smiley personality, his long-as-my-arm eyelashes, his fair complexion, his happy demeanor, his intense stare, his love for patting my face while nursing, his two bottom teeth (!!) and his darling little chuckle. i love seeing him marvel at his big brother. i know it will be a joy watching them grow together. he's in the crazy kicking stage; just completely content laying on the soft ground, bending his knees, kicking and watching (and tasting) his toes. he's working on grasping too; i love the teaspoon phase! he likes keeping me company in the kitchen; soon enough he will be begging to lick the beater. for now, he's happy shaking those teaspoons. oh, boy, this one's a keeper. how could i have doubted or wondered if my love could double? this boy has etched himself deep on my heart. six months is plenty of time to fall head over heels.

mommy dates & nars lipstick

 

image source / nars 

one of my guilty pleasures is taking my little boys on mommy dates. it usually involves something fun for me (paper source & sephora) and something fun for them (hot dog on a stick and a stroll through build-a-bear). i try using my best date manners and benji is learning to hold doors open for seth's stroller. no distractions; no texting, no disciplining (if possible), just chit chat and lots of holding hands and genuine compliments. if you give them air to talk, it's awesome to see what toddlers come up with. on the way to the mall we talked about volcanoes and dinosaurs and the word extinct. 

another guilty pleasure (since i don't have time to truly peruse and choose), we run into sephora and pick a wild colored lipstick at random (benji sometimes helps). i try it on and wear it for the rest of the day deciding if i'd ever purchase it. i like to think that it whips my messy bun and leggings into a chic fashion statement rather than a fall-out-of-bed look. yesterday i tried NARS SCHIAP. it's a semi-matte lipstick. its shocking bright pink hue is the perfect pick-me-up and 'take that!' for the winter months. it's adorable and actually wearable. am a fan. and the good news is, it stayed on after eating said hot dog on stick. which is pretty important when it comes to dating.

what i know / mothering babies

i thought i may as well start documenting what i know; lessons i've learned and the real stuff i believe in. i've been doing that from the start, but this year i want to pull all my tried and true tips, advice, ramblings into one category. i'll be touching on all kinds of topics. i am already excited for my future self to look back on these posts and see how my knowledge has (hopefully) expanded! here are a few things i know about mothering. this is a huge topic, i know there will be more posts on the subject...

routine. it's no question that i love a plan. but so do kids. i've read that children thrive on routine and like knowing what every day has in store. what a gift it is that we can give them; they aren't out there to make it up on their own. as parents, we cultivate this feeling of safety as we create boundaries, do chores, make games and set daily expectations. my kids know that we have naptime / rest time every day. of course there are days when i stretch out errands or we are with playmates or hanging out at grandma's.. but for the most part, kids like sticking to a schedule. it's no wonder they call it a bedtime routine.. kids need repetition to help them fall asleep and feel safe and secure. i've read that even saying the exact same sentence to them every night helps them fall asleep; they are called soothing phrases. i know a mama who serves green smoothies to her darlings in their ikea circus tent every afternoon! having a routine can be completely fun.

swaddling. we love baby burritos around here. dan and i always say 'we're big believers in swaddling.' i love wrapping my babe up in soft, thin blankets and dan has become a swaddling pro. swaddling works; it helps babies feel comforted, soothed and safe. it helps them feel like they're back in the womb. there is plenty of research out there on why swaddling babies helps them sleep better (and allows you to put them down without their little arms flailing and awakening them)! we like the soothing techniques in The Happiest Baby on the Block book by Dr. Karp (and your library may have the dvd for a quick show-this-to-husband tutorial. be warned, the movie was created a long time ago). dan is famous for holding seth all swaddled up while teaching in church.

it's just a phase. i am learning to NOT sweat the small stuff. by doing so i've relieved myself of many-a mothering headaches. i'm trying to focus on the real stuff and stop stressing about the phases that will pass sooner or later. here is what i mean: you can't celebrate yourself too much for getting your baby to sleep through the night. because, guess what? they start teething or get a cold or whatnot, and need to slug into bed with you and you start the cycle all over. suddenly you wake up with babies in your bed and think wait a minute here, i thought we were past this! i thought i had conquered this phase! i've learned to be slow to praise myself up and down or call my mom bragging about having my child potty trained in a day, etc. (i've learned you can't hang your hat on what your kid does. good or bad. but that's a topic for another time.) now i know that most everything's a phase.

here are some examples: while benji has always adored trains, when he was three he had a phase of being scared to death of (and frustrated by) the little thomas trains that are battery-powered. all of his friends had those and i figured he'd never be able to play with those kids ever again. thankfully in time he grew out of that phase. he also went through a phase of anxiety at the sound of running bath water. of course, you learn to deal with little quirks and try best not to upset your tiny one. i'd have to shut the door and fill up the tub and then turn it off and invite him in. sounds like something out of downton abbey.

even more than dealing with and getting through these inconvenient phases, i have realized not to wish them away. this is the stuff that life is made of. no matter how endless a phase may seem–it will surely (eventually) pass–and you may actually miss it! this is the good stuff of life. these phases are what life is made up of. these phases are important learning devices that make us who we are.

think about it; what do your parents always lovingly recall about you? (it was likely a funny phase you once went through!) remember when marta dragged that doll everywhere and called it pink baby? remember when marta would only wear doll's clothing (i was the youngest of seven kids. my mom was smart enough not to have the fight. in our family slideshow, i am wearing this tiny blue felt coat that was purposed for a doll not much bigger than a cabbage patch.) remember when marta wanted to be so independent that she'd turn to her mom in the department store and make the memorable request, mom, can we pretend that i'm not your daughter? i'm just your friend who's also a midget. i desperately wanted the salespeople to talk to me like i was a serious person, not just a kid. i will never live down the midget request. i also had a pretend friend named–simply–gnome. my mom was awesome and celebrated my belief in gnome. she went right along with it. i vividly remember her pretending to wipe his nose. he often comes up at family events. i'm glad his effervescent personality lives on.

recently / christmas 2012

christmas, christmas time is here. can we even believe it? the countdown is almost done! i hope you and yours are enjoying a cozy, warm christmas season. this month we've crunched in a lot of christmas-ing. we've enjoyed creating christmas traditions within our home. we got a stubby little tree from home depot! benji's pick. i fed seth while dan and benj decorated. the girls got in on the annual cousins candlelight party and we took our boys to the christmas lights on temple square. i have done a lot of secret christmas shopping with seth in tow. we've been addressing envelopes and drinking my favorite fancy hot chocolate (the ticket kitchen shop!). we've hung out with santa. present wrapping and singing carols (loud, for all to hear). we attended benji's first preschool nativity program (he was the innkeeper)! had a little dinner party (a good excuse for using christmas dishes!) and served cheesy pull-apart breadsticks. a trip to anthropologie makes the season bright. among other dishes, i cooked my first real turkey! dan was so excited, i put it in the fridge with a gift tag on it saying, to dan, love your wifey. the fridge is stocked with ham and homemade cranberry sauce, and gravy! my first gravy! and a pot of turkey noodle soup with homemade noodles. (come visit. we have food. ha!) we've had game night (yay quirkle) with friends and eaten rice pudding (i look forward to it all year long). oohing and ahhing over pretty christmas cards. i even glittered snowflakes with my nieces and later, bundled up for a family date night to park city (a cozy bookstore, some window shopping and pizza too).

a four year old makes christmastime magic and his little brother is getting his first tooth!! he is the happiest baby i know; smiling at everyone and drooling like crazy. we are still looking forward to: chinese take-out on christmas eve. candy gingerbread houses. the christmas story from the bible. remembering Christ and His gift of life eternal. reading favorite stories under a new christmasy quilt (thank you abby and whit)! delivering cookie dough neighbor gifts. more christmas movies. stuffing four stockings! santa claus surprises. and a family reunion to boot (with my entire family. hooray).

hope you have a very merry christmas. xo.

the first ski of the season / grand targhee

these photos of my boys skiing together completely warms my heart. it's no mystery that dan loves to ski. now four year old benji does too. for reals! they had a boy's ski trip to grand targhee this weekend. (i love the iphone 5, now i get a peek at all the fun my boys are having!) benji had his first official lesson. afterwards benji told dan–as he was getting on the magic carpet (by himself!!)–i'm good dad.. you keep skiing! ha! here is a look at benji skiing for the very first time in 2011.

they also got to visit some of our favorite idaho friends, including ronda and scott! dan came home raving about their hospitality (and ronda's sourdough pancakes!!) and more. idaho has such a special spot in our hearts since our first little spud was born there. we have happy memories of living there. ooh, the idaho clouds are my favorite. benji saved his letter to santa to deliver it to this special mailbox in downtown idaho falls. and i love that dan texted me a photo of the new carl's jr. we may have never moved.

p.s. thanks for the early christmas gift, babcocks. (our friends handcraft these curly dog roasting sticks! i'm excited; they are going to come in handy for all of our summer campfires.)

did i mention he is smiling now / and other happy things.

in his star pj's. / almost four months old.

little sweet seth has conquered the giant gummy grin. it's our favorite and makes me go bonkers each time he does it. benji climbs over and perches over the crib to watch his brother grin and sometimes even giggle. it's this darling chuckle, that sometimes suddenly turns into a cry. but he's a pretty happy camper and–as moms often say–i can't imagine life without our little redhead hanging out with us. his eyes are turning a deeper blue and his nose is a little ski slope. he is wide eyed and curious. he recently discovered his hands and watches them intently. i can't get over how simple and sweet and slow and lovely a life with a baby is. i mean, yes, it's crazy and fast paced and nights are still topsy turvy, but when i see him in his bouncer just checkin' out his tiny fist, it makes me smile. and then he smiles. and then i pinch his little hedgehog cheeks.

topping the list of other happy things...

+ i just finished The Truth About Style by stacy london. (it's not the typical style / fashion book. it goes beyond that.) you guys, i loved it. i think you will too. if you like fashion, stacy london or any self-help, feel better about body image and just suck it up and get a kick in the pants to accept what you were given and celebrate style.. it's a must-read. my mom let me borrow it. she knows the best books.

+ i have yet to find a blue nail polish that i like, until now (suzi says feng shui in OPI). this is unexpected and novemberish, moody and reminds me of van gogh starry starry night. i am sure he's rolling over in his grave at that comparison, but still.

+ i get to make the stuffing for thanksgiving! what kinds of additions do you like in your stuffing? i like apples and sausage and sage..

+ dan is making pioneer woman's flat apple pie for my family's annual pie night. mmm. mm.

+ we had a huge snowstorm last week. benji played in it for hours. i got used to scraping the windshield again and the effort of bundling babies up. oh the joys of warm boots and cocoa. still loving darn tough brand socks. dan surprised me with a new pair.

+ in the beauty department, i got eyelash extensions from a friend (seriously amazing) and dyed my hair dark (wowza). i'm basically a whole new person. get excited.

+ recently i rented the katy perry documentary (no shame) from red box when dan was working late. so, basically, i'm still the same ol' me. with a nursing babe and loads of laundry, there is lots of tv to be watched. lacking cable... i've been suckered into The Voice, Dancing With the Stars or DWTS for people in the know (i detest long random acronyms), and The Mindy Project. what are you watching?

+ along with james bond, we are planning on watching Elf over the thanksgiving holiday. i still wish will ferrell wouldn't pour syrup over his spaghetti. it gets me everytime. and we'll surely be avoiding black friday doorbusters and instead wiggling seth into his little bear suit and stomping around in the snow with little cousins. and then bundling up in front of the fireplace.

+ can't wait to plan the long list of to-dos for december with dan on the long car ride. we usually read a silly people magazine and then dive into discussion. there are so many festive activities to think about, especially now that benji is in the magic age. looking forward to writing letters to santa, seeing christmas lights, and meeting the man himself (again). sending cards, wrapping gifts. perhaps hosting another girls night or dipping pretzels. and definitely making mom's apple cake with best ever sauce at some point. what are you most excited for? let the holidays begin. 

happy thanksgiving.
i am oh so thankful for you.

home is wherever i'm with you.

halloween 2012.

the other night i tucked my boys into bed. swaddled mr. seth slept soundly in his cradle while–across the country–superstorm sandy raged its way through the east coast, ripping up boardwalks, pummeling boats and tunneling harsh waves through narrow new york city streets. breaking glass, knocking down power lines, pushing past barriers, soaking subway lines, beating down doors and plucking full grown trees out like they were weeds. i sang my boys a few songs and did the bedtime routine of tickling and storytime and nightlights and prayers and kisses. meanwhile fearful families huddled onto freeways to evacuate. mamas holding tight to their little ones and papas putting their bravest faces on. facing the unknown and leaving treasures behind; wondering if locking the doors would even be necessary. families finding candles and flashlights and matches and rationing their water supply. whipping up omelets in the refrigerator before the eggs and milk spoil. and i feel guilty and lucky. i have a warm home and a cold fridge, running water and dry floors. a car parked outside my door, not floating down the street. my roof is safely intact and i have my family all in one place. benji asked for one more song and i crawled under the sheets next to him and drew a treasure map on his back, like i do sometimes, and sang him more than one more song. as his back was turned to me, his beloved bear peered at me over his little shoulder. thankfulness rushed over me.

home is wherever i'm with you.
am listening to this song on repeat. i really love it. this cover is pretty sweet too.

one of my favorite things ever / seth's birth announcement

baby announcement design & details by SHE PAPERIE / letterpress by somersault / my own snapshots

for someone like me, a birth announcement is more than a trivial tradition. it's the real deal. it's more important than crib bedding designs and hospital bag contents. i mean, nowadays texts and tweets are the first announcements of birth, i get that. but still, a legit birth announcement (sent through the mail!) feels like a right of passage. to me, it's an honored hello to the world. or perhaps that's just the stationery sweet tooth talking; it's another incredible excuse reason to mail something marvelous.

during the nine months, i had dreamed up some simple ideas for seth's announcement and hoped to find time to design it myself. ha! then he was born and all my spare hours turned into moments and holding him (and napping!) seemed more important than any other task at hand. so i turned it over to a designer i could trust completely with such a precious project. enter, suzanne of SHE PAPERIE. (she rarely blogs anymore because she is slammed with creating beautiful paperie projects. follow her instagramming obsession right here!) she totally understood why this project was so important to me. suzanne is so awesome with her custom work; putting her heart into every collaborative effort. we texted nearly every day, usually in the wee (freelance design / feeding baby) hours to make sure we both shared the vision for seth's announcement. she took my ideas and ran with them, taking them into flight up into the clouds. her design really took my breath away. and since suzanne is the queen of details, she thought of all the ways to package it together and present it (all tied up in a bow inside the envelope). she found coordinating twine and washi tape that would tie the loose ends together perfectly! her packaging skills kill me. this announcement perfectly suited our little mr. seth.

and... the letterpress (!!!) printing by somersault was absolute icing on the cake. look at how thick and luscious that stock is. my dreams are made of paper this thick. better than a genie in a lamp. check out more photos featured on somersault's facebook page.

thank you, suz!

autumn brunch in the backyard