sleep in heavenly peace. / saddened and trying to be hopeful.

i am so saddened and horrified about the elementary school shooting. my mind keeps wandering to those sweet little children, their teachers, the heroes among them and all that happened today. i watched 20/20 and learned how one young teacher shuttled her first grade students into a tiny bathroom and told them they had to wait for the good guys to come. she said that everything would be okay, she told them that she loved them. she wanted that to be the last thing they heard if they were to die. she wanted them to know that they were loved. thankfully, they survived.

i am so heartbroken and frustrated that bad horrifying things happen to good people; innocent little children anticipating christmas day. however, i am uplifted hearing stories like these that there are those shining examples that stand up and light the path when darkness hits. i know those children who were killed will be with God. i know they are in a safe and happy place. i know there is life after death. i know their parents will see them again someday. i know families are forever.

i've been struggling to think positively and be brave and think happy thoughts. i've been wondering how i'll ever let my children out of my sight. i wonder if can buy them a bubble for christmas. if i could, i might like to put them in one and never let anything bad ever happen to them. of course, i realize if i did that.. nothing good would ever happen to them either. it is hard enough being a mom. days like today make it even harder. 

when i am ever feeling down, these amazing (true story) messages always put things in perspective for me. i am strengthened by them (pick a topic and find one to watch). perhaps they will help you too. am praying for those in pain and hugging my littles tighter than before. we are so blessed to have each other.

sunday thoughts / mothering two

photography session by jessica haderlie. (read her photography tips here!) 

today our little seth turns two months old. it's mind boggling to me because i feel like we've known him for years. he is getting so big and beautiful. those days when he was sick in the hospital (at just two weeks old!) now seem months long that i was holding him and singing to him and getting to know him. i was praying for him to be well and promising myself that i would never take being a mom for granted. how still that white hospital room was; with no laundry looking over my shoulder, no dishes to groan at, no one else to entertain. just he and me. (and beeping monitors and tubes and and IVs and machines.) i feel so blessed that i could stay the few days by his side while others lovingly tended our big boy benj. what relief i felt to know he was in good hands!

 those moments i bonded with seth and knew this baby was meant for our family. i knew he was a spirit straight from heaven. i had been fearful and anxious and excited about the unknown of a new babe, of having two. how on earth would / could my love double as a mother? my love had been tightly swaddled around benji for four years. i didn't know (and somewhat doubted) i could love another as much. and suddenly, there he was with his curious baby blues and his dark copper hair, right in my lap, and there was the love, unconditionally spilling out of my heart. it unfolded from the tight swaddle; my heart bloomed (just like everyone said it would). the amount of love surprised me just as the shade of his hair did! it came easily; as a gift from God. i know many mothers struggle to love a crying fussy newborn, i realize the ease in loving my babes is truly a blessing.

 as i rocked seth, with his oxygen tubes around him and his little body attached to tangling cords, i knew deep in my heart he'd be okay. i felt thankful this situation wasn't worse; his tests were coming back affirming his good health. he was strong. i wanted so badly for our boys–the whole family of four–to be back home together, creating messes for me to clean up. perhaps those quiet moments in the hospital were preparing me to love the routine of life and be thankful for the cries at night, the constant feeding, the nurturing that is needed (and expected) from a good mom and wife.

being pulled in every direction is something to get used to. being at the hospital with him and nothing else to do made me appreciate all that there is to do at home! all that i get to do! mothering two is a juggling act and every day i congratulate myself on some small accomplishment; we got naps today or i mopped the floor or no one sat in front of the tv like a zombie or both boys are not melting down at the same time! the five o'clock hour seems to be tough; both boys needing me. (and then there's me–still in strange lounge attire–attempting to hunt down a dinner recipe that doesn't require any meat–or chopping, mincing, or assembling–since i forgot to thaw anything..) i am grateful for family (a forgiving one!) and for the opportunity to be a mama. it's the best job i've ever had.

 seth was given his name because we loved how it feels solid, strong and classic. we loved that it comes from scripture and has a heritage of good qualities. wells is his middle name, after my dad. anyone who knows me knows how much my parents mean to me. i could write pages about their incredible qualities that inspire me. i've always hoped (and planned) to name one of my littles after my dad. in his own sweet way, seth lives up to his name and seems like a wise old owl when i look into his eyes.

today was seth's blessing day; which is why i'm feeling so overwhelmed with gratitude and happiness. we celebrated the day with our families. in our church, a priesthood holder–in this case, dan–and other male family members circle around and he offers a prayer, a special blessing to give the baby a name and blessings from Heavenly Father. 

p.s. dan gave me Nie Nie's memoir for my birthday and i cannot put it down. it is an amazing story; with such personal detail about her accident, recovery and family life. it is beautifully written. and captivating. i read it while taking a bath the other night, drained out all the water and still stayed in the tub for a few minutes to finish another chapter! reading about her incredible struggles truly makes me thankful for life.

sunday thoughts / overcoming obstacles

image via pinterest.

i love sunday afternoons when all is calm. after my church meetings, i get into my comfs and settle in. i read, i write, i bake, fold laundry and try to tackle last minute tasks before monday approaches with its weekly weight of obligations. i love how the sabbath is all about rest and restoring and renewal. in a peaceful, refined way religion feels mighty and holy and expresses the good in all. it encircles everyone.

today we discussed the concept of opposition in all things. the teacher had us write down (on a personal sheet of paper, not for sharing aloud) a difficult trial we've had to face or are currently facing in life. then she had two lines underneath it for us to write down what good had come from that hardship. at first my mind stumbled with wonder. and then seconds later it opened up and i realized, truly, so much good that has come from the hardship i'd listed. surprisingly, my writings filled up and slanted off the two lines and i was learning all the different ways that specific trial has benefitted me. having a little perspective helps me see the stumbling stones as invaluable life lessons and not as grueling obstacles that slow me down. and again, i felt thankful for the experience. among other things, i realized how experiencing that trial has strengthened my faith, helped me grow and most of all, opened my heart a lot wider. i think of a tightened flower bud loosening, allowing the rains to hit the fragile petals. gradually it opens up to full bloom, feeling the sunshine and becoming even more beautiful and fragrant than before. i know more now that the storms of life are for our good and for our growth.

during the lesson, a teenager shared with us a visual aid which her seminary teacher had showed in class. he held up a large jar of rice. he told them what they didn't see was a ping pong ball buried beneath the rice. he described the grains of rice as problems, temptations, afflictions, sins and trials that feel heavy and unbearable (we, being the ping pong ball). we often feel entitled to our depressed state, knowing the burdens we are carrying. we often give up, forgetting the choice to rise above them. she told us how her teacher shook the jar until the ping pong ball reached the top and sat upon the grains of rice. it was free and rolling about. what joy can come to us if we choose to be happy and live a good life; choosing to rise above it and reach our potential.

when i go to church i understand things more clearly, even personal silly problems that arise in life. not only do i gather strength from gospel doctrine and parables of Jesus, but i am full of thankfulness for the life i lead and the people in my life. i remember my strengths, feel remorse for my mistakes and make goals to become better. i feel newly hopeful about meeting my potential, or in the least, trying my best. one day at a time. i also have new compassion for others. i love how simple and yet so sublime a testimony of Christ can be. i rarely blog about religion, but i want you to know that it is what keeps me standing. it is the mortar between my bricks. it is so very important to me.